Rest for my soul

Last week I made a trip to Nanjing to visit some precious friends from Berry.  They are in China for six weeks for a cultural exchange with the people and country who I hold so dear to my heart.  I can't even begin to express what a blessing it was to be with familiar faces!  I haven't seen these friends in six months, and I'd forgotten how wonderful it feels to simply be around people who know me.  While here, they are each spending a lot of time at the local college university campuses to build relationships with students.  It was so neat to spend a day in their lives and meet all their Chinese friends.  The campus in Nanjing is very similar to mine in Chengdu.  My most favorite part of the week, though, was basking in His presence with my brothers and sisters.  To be able to share freely and receive encouragement and prayer from people who walked through life with me up until my departure for China.  What a blessing.  It truly was rest for my weary soul.  When I first began planning to come to China, I had no idea He was also preparing to send a group of my friends at the same time.  Could He be any sweeter?  Now we not only have the shared experience of China...but we also have a tender spot in our hearts for these people.  We are united on this common ground.  He attends to details, my friends.  Every single one.  Sadly, I didn't take many pictures myself...but here's a little glimpse.  I am one blessed child of one Great Father!

Tough Stuff

Thank you to all the warriors out there who are constantly lifting me up.  I can feel your prayers...seriously, thank you.  I'm settled into my new home at the Big House.  I am so happy to be back with the little ones who have stolen my heart forever.  Life has been c-r-a-z-y.  My mom was here for 10 days and then our first student team came in  a few days later.  It has been such a joy to have the student team here.  This team was truly anointed by the Almighty himself, and I felt privileged to walk with them through their journey here.  It was so neat for me to watch them process everything they witnessed...to see the tears fall from their faces and hear their desperate cries to our Father on behalf of these precious ones.  I felt like I was experiencing it all for the first time again.  I've said it a million times...but its one thing to talk about the orphans in the world, but to hold them in your arms is a whole different story.  Now that we have seen, we are responsible.  Now that we have held them, our arms will forever ache.  I am so thankful to be here this summer and to watch from afar as He mobilizes His body to care for His children.  That's what I have to keep reminding myself...they are His and all my efforts to help them have to start with Him and end with Him.  He is the goal. 

Since I've only been here three weeks, I'm still processing a lot.   And I mean a lot.  I have more questions than ever before in my life.  I just don't understand so much of what I'm seeing.  I don't understand injustice.  Everyday, I'm falling more and more in love with children whose future is so uncertain.  Every moment spent with them is pure bliss, but each happy moment is clouded with the reality of the situation.  It's just stinkin' hard.  And I'm not really sure how to react.  Some days I am so overcome with emotion and despair that all I want to do is sit with them and weep (literally).  But some days I don't feel that stabbing pain--and that scares me because my biggest fear is becoming calloused and hardhearted.  I realize that being a weepy mess all the time hinders me from being a productive human being, but I don't know how else to funnel my emotions. And then when I'm not a weepy mess I feel like I'm not loving well enough.  Does this make sense?  So anyways, I would greatly appreciate your prayers as my Prince and I sift through this craziness called my emotions. Its tough stuff to wrestle through.  But I am so thankful to wrestle and I pray that we, as the body of Christ, will not back down from wrestling through this tough stuff.  Because this is the heart of our King.  If we aren't willing to wrestle with tough stuff...then really, what are we doing?

 Today I'll leave you with a question.  Are you willing to wrestle?  Are you willing to think about things that may make you weep?  Are you willing to ask yourself questions that do not have easy answers? Are you willing to put yourself in the shoes of someone who is the victim of injustice?  Are you willing to become emotionally invested in something that might rip your heart into pieces?  All passions arise from brokenness.  May we be broken for the things that break His heart..and may we be mobilized to action.  These little ones are worth it.  He is worth it.

Come Quickly

hot tears

heart pounding

stomach churning

lip quivering

quiet

this.is.not.okay.

I'm at a loss for words.

I'm angry.

I'm furious.

I'm helpless.

I'm mad.

Its not fair

Its not normal

this.is.not.okay

orphans were not in the plan

sickness was not in the plan

pain was not in the plan

dying children were not in the plan

loneliness was not in the plan

suffering was not in the plan

but,

heartache is the norm on this sin-struck earth.

And as long as we continue on this pilgrimage through life,

there will be suffering.

I hate it. 

I hate every part of it.

I hate staring into their tiny faces and being helpless to offer comfort.

I hate saying, "I have to go now" when they're clinging to my neck.

I hate seeing the tears welling up

I hate gazing into a room lined wall to wall with cribs

this.is.not.okay.

And all I can say is

Come quickly.

Life on earth just plain stinks sometimes.

My biggest fear is of gaining a hard heart towards things like this.  As a defense mechanism.

God Forbid.

this.is.not.okay.

and I never ever ever ever ever want to act like it is

even when allowing myself to feel the pain hurts way worse than pretending like its not happening.

May suffering and injustice cause me to hate sin.

and I mean

hate sin.

hate it so much that I flee from it with everything in me.

 

May suffering and injustice cause me to long even more for eternity

And for the day when

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, not pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

 Revelation 21:4

Today my heart is broken

Today I feel like I can't move because of the pain

Today tears are falling

and I won't be ashamed.

this.is.not.okay.

And I won't pretend like it is.  

A Little Reminder

Last week, my Mom and I visited the Great Wall.  Its the only sight-seeing we did while she was here.  We took the ski lift up and after walking around for only about thirty minutes, we were honestly thinking about heading back down already.  Best Friend had different plans.  We decided to walk up onto one of the towers to get some pictures with the wall behind us.  A group of Korean college-age-looking people followed us up.  We asked one of them to kindly take our picture.  Then the group headed over to a corner and one of the guys pulled out a guitar.  And there they began to sing.  They sang songs to Him.  They sang familiar songs of praise.  They sang at the top of their lungs with arms held high and faces tilted upward.  My mom and I sang the familiar tunes in English as they sang in Korean.  These were complete strangers, yet we were united by our common bond in Him.  In a place where this type of activity is sort of unheard of.  Yet we sang loud.  How beautiful is that?

That morning, my mom and I were chatting with Him before our day began.  And we asked that our lives would radiate the loveliness of His presence...and that people would notice.  After an hour of singing on the great wall, one of the brothers came up to us and asked if we were like-minded.  We answered yes, and he looked to my mom and said, "Yes, you are glowing."

This whole experience was a sweet reminder that said: "I am present in the country.  I am present in these people.  I am present in these children. I am worthy to be praised."  May He receive what He deserves from our lives!

Blessings

My my, how time flies my friends! Sorry I've been MIA while my sweet mama has been here, but can you blame me for wanting to spend every waking moment with her?  What a glorious nine days we've had together.  I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it has been to have my Mama on this side of the world with me.  Meeting her at the airport was just as wonderful as I had imagined.  Neither of us could hold back the tears as we hugged.  Just so much emotion, ya know?  I couldn't believe I was actually touching her! We spent two quiet days in Beijing relaxing, visiting the great wall, and shopping at the pearl market.  So.much.fun.  On Tuesday, we came to Maria's and have spent a week here loving on sweet babies, talking, praying, crying...and repeating the cycle.  I don't really know what else to say.  I could go into tons of detail about our days, but to the common person, it probably doesn't seem like we did anything too exciting.  Mom only got to eat two authentic Chinese meals (the rest were foster home Chinese  food and peanut butter sandwiches).  She did manage to cook me a delicious meal of spaghetti and garlic toast...with no electricity or water!  We didn't see many majestic tourist sites or visit many "must sees" of China...but you know what we did? We were slobbered on by babies.  We played tickle-time with preschoolers.  We stroked tiny faces.  We sang silly songs.  We laid in bed and giggled.  We drank coffee on the roof.  We caught up on the past four months of life.  And it was glorious.  I can't even express the depth of my thankfulness.  We experienced a lot together this week.  It was so wonderful for me to finally have someone to share this with.  Someone who I hold so dear to my heart. I think we both have a lot to process.  Perhaps my processing will come in the form of more blogs! :) I have a lot more I want to say, but I feel at a loss for words.  So, for tonight I'll leave you with some pictures. Enjoy :)

We have been blessed.

Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

Luke 12:48

She's finally here!!

She's finally here! What a JOY AND BLESSING THIS IS! We spent the day yesterday at the Great Wall and the Pearl Market.  More stories later, but I can't WAIT to share the little glimpses of His faithfulness we've seen already! More to come soon!

Goodbyes and Hellos

(I wrote this blog on Sunday, the 22nd but couldn't post due to internet problems! 对不起！)

   I woke up this morning with that familiar ache in my heart.  It’s the ache that comes with saying goodbye and anticipating change.  It’s the ache that comes when one season of our lives comes to an end so that a new one can begin.  It’s an ache that I’m beginning to know very well.  

Thirteen weeks ago when my plane touched down in Chengdu, I wondered if I would ever feel comfortable there.  There was so much unknown.  Those of you who have walked this journey with me can remember the battle with fear I faced during the days leading up to my arrival in Chengdu.  But I am pleased (and not surprised) to announce that once again, He is faithful.  Over the past three months, I have witnessed mountains move and hearts change.  I have walked through valleys so low and yet felt strength.  I have wept, I have laughed, I have made life-long friends.  Yesterday was filled with teary good-byes and lingering hugs (and you all know how bad I hate good-byes), but in the midst of it all His perfect peace remains.  Just the fact that my heart is torn in half shows that He is faithful.  It shows that He brings people and seasons in and out of our lives for His glory. And no matter where you are or what you’re doing, He is there.  

As I was preparing for this transition, my precious friend Devin made a statement that I have been pondering over the past few days.  She said, “Change is the only thing constant about our lives.”  It’s so true, isn’t it?  Things are always changing…and this will be the story of our lives as long as we live on this earth.  Everything.here.is.temporary.  Everything, that is, except our King. 

Praise HIM that we serve a King who will

 never

 ever

ever

 ever change.

  The world around us may be a constant whirlwind of change and transition, but we stand on solid ground.  And one day, one glorious day, there will be no more good-byes.  No more tears, no more lingering hugs, no more achy hearts.  Today, we can only see Him dimly, but one day…one glorious day, we will see Him face to face.

I want to share with you some of the sweet memories that were made during my last week in Chengdu.  It has been a full week, indeed! 

Last Saturday, Ryan, Erik, Devin and I participated in a fun run! It was definitely fun! I will never forget running through a little China town as the local people stare at us in disbelief, wondering why in the world a bunch of foreigners are huffing and puffing their way through their streets.  Priceless.

Monday was sweet Devin’s birthday.  We celebrated by going out for all you can eat sushi on Sunday night and then a fun surprise party on Monday!  祝你生日快乐，卫得文！

On Tuesday night, Devin and I attended our last “English Salon” at our favorite Coffee Shop.  We have spent hours upon hours at this little shop, studying and chatting.  We became friends with the owner, Luna.  Tuesday night was a little going away get together complete with free drinks and a gift! Thanks, Luna!

Precious Luna!

Wednesday, our class went to lunch at a fancy hotel buffet.  Then we went to KTV, a popular karaoke hangout.  Our class is so much fun.  Devin and I literally giggle through the entire class period every single day.  Tell me, when again will I be in a class with 3 Americans, 5 Saudi Arabians, 1 Korean,  1 from Sweden, 1 from Bangladesh…and I might be forgetting some.  It really is a circus.  One I’m proud to be a part of.

Our sweet teacher, Zheng Laoshi

On Friday evening, we went to my favorite Chinese restaurant for my last dinner.  We literally ordered every delicious thing on the menu.  Sweet friends Ryan, Erik and Devin came downstairs dressed in matching t-shirts…that HAD MY FACE ON IT! How priceless is that?! I was touched…even if the picture on the shirt isn’t the most flattering thing in the world.  Thanks guys! 

The gang with Uncle Tian, owner of our favorite restaurant!

Where Dev and I took our first picture together 3 months ago!

On Saturday morning, Devin, Amanda, and I went to breakfast with our precious local friend, Lydia.  If a breakfast hour can be anointed, this one definitely was!  I wasn’t prepared for the wave of emotions that would overtake us all, but I think it will be one of my sweetest memories in China.  We sat around the table and cried while we took turns talking to our best friend.  Lydia, you are a precious gem who has forever impacted my life.  I know Him better because I know you. 

Amanda and I are truly Chinese :)

Saturday evening, Devin and I went out for dinner with our Chinese teacher, Zheng Laoshi.  She is a crazy, fun woman! She took us to a local restaurant and then dropped us off at our friends, the Funky’s, house where we spent the night.  We lay in bed and talked into the wee hours…laughing, crying, and sharing memories from the past thirteen weeks. 

So as you can see, my week has been filled to the brim.  My heart is heavy today because good-byes are not easy.  But I cannot possibly wallow in sadness when I look back see the glimpses of His faithfulness.  Oh, the depths of His love! My cup truly overflows.  Now I’m sitting in the Beijing airport waiting for the arrival of my sweet Mama.  My heart is already beating fast as I imagine seeing her face coming down that walkway.  All I can say is, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”  And thank YOU, my dear friends, for following my journey and for being so faithful in prayer.  I am totally dependent upon those prayers. Check back soon for a picture of one happy girl with one happy mama.