Wrestling

Wrestling.

That's where I'm at.  Wrestling with questions that will never be answered this side of heaven.  Wrestling and unsure of how to process it all.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling.  But I feel something.

One of our precious ones went to be with Jesus last night.  I had just been with her yesterday evening, playing with the other children in the room.  I had no idea she was so close to meeting Him.  I am somewhat relieved for her sake.  She is being snuggled by the King of the universe.  She is no longer in pain, she is no longer an orphan, she no longer a victim of injustice.  She is face to face with the One who made her and knows her fully.  I am so thankful that she entered into eternity in a place where she was clothed, fed, and loved.  But my heart is still aching, my blood is pulsing and I want to scream, "How is this good?"

I just happened to be standing in the lobby this morning when her little body was being carried out.  She was wrapped in a sweet blanket and held with care.  She was whisked away while we stood back and watched.  There were no tears.  Life didn't stop.  There will be no funeral.  No flowers.  No memorial service.  No casseroles.  No family.  No sympathy cards.  Her little life could easily go unnoticed by...everyone.

 Doesn't every single human being deserve to be grieved for?  Doesn't she deserve my tears? Wasn't her life worth something? Because she was here, she will be missed.  She will be talked about and grieved for.  But I can't help but think of the millions of people and children that she represents.  The millions who will never having the luxury of having a tear shed on their behalf.  She will be missed, yes...but in a few days, another child will come and fill her place.  That's just how it works. 

Its days like these when all I can do is look toward Heaven and cry, "Why? Why? Why? Why are some chosen to be the recipients of injustice?  Why do some suffer so greatly?" I wrestle with knowing in my head that He has not forgotten them, but some days I certainly don't feel it in my heart. 

I am studying Genesis and He perfectly ordained this week's lessons for my wrestling heart.  Genesis 16 tells the story of Sarai and Hagar.  Hagar was forced to bear Abraham a child, but she was reprimanded and shunned when she obeyed.  Then the angel of the Lord found her in the wilderness and He ministered to her there.  After their encounter, Hagar gave God a new name "El Roi" which means "the God who sees" and then she proclaims, "Truly I have seen him who looks after me."

We serve El Roi, the God who sees.  And I have to cling to the truth that He not only sees every child here, but he pursues them and fights for them.  He loves them with an everlasting love.  He has not forgotten them, but He is especially near to them.  He catches every single tear that falls from their sweet little faces.  He is near to the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  And I choose to believe that when our sweet little girl was ushered into eternity, she was greeted by a hallelujah chorus. She is now in a place where she need not be grieved over, for grieving does not exist.

Oh glorious day.

My Life in 中 国

I've been at my new home for 2 weeks now.  Some days it seems like I've been here two months (in a good way!).  I'm definitely feeling settled in now.  Life is starting to tick at a somewhat "normal" pace and I'm finding that being back is just as wonderful as I've been dreaming it would be.  This week, I officially started my "schedule".  That's a really funny term here...because things rarely go according to schedule.  Just when you sit down for your office hours, the power goes out...or your Chinese teacher gets sick when you're supposed to be in class..or you take a last minute trip to another city to wish a fellow worker happy birthday...or the road in front of your house is completely demolished and you can't get out (or in, for that matter)....or you end up spending three hours in one baby nursery because the kids are so stinkin' cute that you just can't escape! All of those things have happened this week....and its these things that make me realize that my plans can wait.  I'm happy to be back in this land of unpredictability where learning to "go with the flow" is a must.  It helps me remember how not in control I am!

I figured I'd use this post to give you a glimpse of my life at the moment.  There's never a dull moment, that's for sure.

This is the precious welcoming crew I get to come home to each time I go out.  How could my heart not be smitten?

This is my room.  Rebecca had everything so homey and welcoming when I arrived.  Its a place where I can walk in and take a deep breath at the end of each day.  I am so thankful for this haven.

This is where I go each morning to meet my King.  I sit there in the cool of the morning with only the gentle rumble of China in the background.  It has become one of my favorite places in this entire building.  Maybe its because I'm seven stories high, but He just seems closer.

THIS is the warzone outside our house.  Its C-R-A-Z-Y!!! We have affectionately named it the Grand Canyon of China.  Some of these holes are big enough to swallow bulldozers...no joke.  The other day, they completely demolished the road that gets us in and out...so now, each time we go out we play a game called "is the road gonna be there"?  You just have to laugh.

These are pictures from my first outing this go-around.  We went out to karaoke to celebrate Jona's birthday! I had semi-forgotten what it feels like to be famous! :)

On Tuesday, we (all 17 of us) traveled to another city to celebrate Heidi's birthday! It was a fun day filled with Western food, cake, and lots of laughter!

This is Luoyang's local drink called HAPPY! Isn't that fun?

In other news, I'm learning to sew!!! Mariah is so sweet to take on this huge feat.  I can't do ANYTHING in a straight line.  So I don't know what made me think I'd be able to sew in a straight line! But she has been so gracious and patient to guide me through the learning process.  This is our first project together...pillow case dresses for the Martin girls!

 This is a yummy meal we went out to last night.  That thing in the upper right hand corner of the dish...that's a chicken foot :)

And this one is just for fun :) Oh China!

And of course, the babies are the loves of my life and the joy of my days.  I am so thankful to be here, in their world and part of their daily lives.

Thank you so much for your prayers, encouraging emails, and love...it means more than you will ever know!  Until next time,

-Ke Xiao Ai

The "other side" of the orphan

I was cuddling a small baby the other day.  Most of the kids in this particular nursery were taking their afternoon nap, so the room was quiet except for the hushed chatter of the nannies and the precious sound of little ones dreaming.  The little guy I was holding is about three months old.  He has the tiniest, most perfectly formed face.  His features are dainty and distinct.  Every breath he takes is a miracle.

As I sat staring at this beautiful creation, I began feeling overwhelming "mothering" instincts.  That may sound silly, but I began to feel a great sense of love and a need to protect this innocent life lying helplessly in my arms.  But in that moment, I couldn't help but think about the mother who is sitting somewhere without a baby in her arms.

I wonder if she's old or young.  I wonder if she has other children.  I wonder, is she thinking about him?  Are her arms aching to hold him?  Does she wonder where he's at or if he's even alive? Does she miss him so badly that her body literally aches?  Does she think of him every time she sees a small child?  Does she hear his cry during the night, only to wake up and remember he's not there?  I wonder what kind of pain and heartache this woman has endured during her lifetime that made her decide that leaving her child was the only means of survival? Will she ever feel whole again? How could she?

I don't know the answers to these questions.  But what I did realize is that this child sleeping in my arms represents two hurting people.  One hurting because he was abandoned, one hurting because she was forced to abandon.  One who is too young to remember, one who will never forget.  This little guy will not remember his birth mother, and prayerfully one day he will know the love of a mother and a father this side of heaven.  Prayerfully, he will not remember what it feels like to be without a family.

But she will never forget.  There will never be a day that she does not think about her baby and her choice.  There will never be a day that she doesn't wonder. 

May I never forget that behind every child is a story.  And every story is evidence that we live in a sad and broken world.  Hurting people are everywhere.  But even in this sad and broken world, there is hope.

And this hope is why we keep singing.  And this hope is why we keep moving forward.  And this hope is why we do what we do.

May our hearts be broken when His is broken... but may we never lose hope...and may we never stop running towards the Giver of hope.

Only Him

My first few days in China have been beautiful.  There, of course, have been ups and downs but that is fully expected during any huge transition such as this.  I do feel like I just got spit out of a whirlwind.  Things are beginning to settle down now and I guess reality is setting in.  It's a good reality, but those of you who know me know that change is really hard for me.  I remind myself that having a ache in my heart for the people that I left behind in America is a good thing.  It means that God has been so good to me... I have so many people in so many places that I love dearly.  It's a good thing to miss my home...it means I have a home.  It's a good thing to be pushed and challenged and left to rely only on Him.  That's what I long for anyway, to rely fully on Him.  How I fall short every single day.  

I have also been reminded that even living in a place where serving Jesus is my priority, it is so easy to neglect Him.  I see Him in every smile, I hear Him in every laugh, I see His masterpiece on display in every sleeping face.  But I still forget that these treasures are not my goal.  I am here only because He has brought me here (by His grace).  I am able to serve only because He enables me to serve (by His grace).  My heart breaks for the orphan only because He has given me a glimpse of His burden for them (by His grace).  Apart from Him, I am nothing but a sinful, selfish, pride-filled 21 year old girl lost in a big, big world.  That is why knowing Him, not just serving Him, has to be my first goal.  It has to infiltrate every single thing I do.  To know Jesus and love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength has to be my priority.  Because if not, I am left to serve Him in my own effort...and that will never work (trust me, I've tried).  So that means spending time in prayer, meditating, and studying His word has to come before holding babies and singing lullabies.  Seeking Him first thing every morning has to come before making phone calls home or setting up skype dates.  He is my source of life and in order to be effective in this place, I have to stay connected to the Vine and there find my joy, strength, and rest. 

It's amazing how fast my human heart will convince me that anything other than Jesus will satisfy.  I think if I could just call home, or if I could just take a nap, or if I could just play with a baby then I'd be better...but the truth is, nothing but Jesus can heal a sin-sick heart.  Nothing but Jesus can satisfy a longing soul.  Nothing but Jesus can heal homesickness at its root.  None but Jesus can lift all my burdens and comfort my tender heart.  That's it.  May my wayward heart learn to be obedient to His gentle pursuit.  

All my springs are in You.

Psalm 87:7 

From my China home

Dear friends, 

I have finally made it to my home on the far side of the sea.  What a relief to finally be in view of this big blue building that I can now call home once again.  And it has been a homecoming to remember, that's for sure.  Mariah and Rebecca met me at the airport on Friday afternoon.  My flight had been delayed and we ended up sitting on the runway for 2 hours waiting to take off...I was tired, hungry, and immensely over  airplanes by the time I arrived.  It was such a comfort  to have two sweet friends and a ice cold coffee waiting on me (Thanks for sharing your coffee, Mariah!).  I'll be living in a bedroom with Rebecca.  When I walked in the door of our room, I was able to let out a sigh of relief and breathe in the comfort.  She had gotten all the preschool kids to draw me pictures and had them waiting on my closet door.  There were "welcome home" notes and goody bags and even some laundry detergent sitting on my bed.  He is so good to give me precious friends who shower me with this love that I certainly do not deserve! After freshening up, they took me up to introduce me to the doctor and his family that now live in the big house.  Their home is full of life and energy! I am so excited to spend the next few months getting to know them and their precious kiddos.  Then finally, it was time to go see the littles. The ones who I have been dreaming about for months.  The ones who have forever stolen my heart.  The reason He has brought me back to the far side of the sea.  And I want you to know, it was better than I could have imagined.

I walked into the tinkerbelle room, where the children knew I would be arriving soon.  The surprise on their faces when I walked in was priceless.  I scooped one up in my arms and kissed him all over.  He just could not stop giggling.  His belly laughter filled the room for 20 minutes at least.  The nannies and I couldn't help but laugh along with him!  The kids kept screaming, "Abby came back! Abby came back! Abby came back!!!!"  We giggled together and I showered them with kisses.  It's not very often they have someone leave them and then come back into their lives.  I am so thankful to be that person right now.  

Its amazing how familiar everything feels.  About half way through the long plane ride, I began to feel that panicky feeling of "Oh dear, what am I doing?!".  The good-byes had been brutal, as expected.  The airports were rushed and crazy, so that was the first moment I'd had a chance to think.  I tried to take my thoughts immediately to the Cross and He gave me comfort, but I was still pretty anxious and unsure walking off the plane.  But a wonderful thing happened soon after I stepped off.  I began hearing people speak...and I somewhat understood.  I began looking around and everything had a hint of familiar.  I began taking deep breaths and even the smells were comforting.  He reminded me that He's not bringing me to a strange, unfamiliar land.  He's bringing me back to a place that I have grown to love and cherish, a place that I hold deep within my heart...A place that I've longed for for the past 10 months...A place where I've experienced some of my highest and lowest moments.  He is bringing me to another place that I can call home.   

 My heart is bursting at the seams...literally.  All I can offer up is a big, "Thank you, Abba, thank you." After many tearful goodbyes and a long journey across the world, He has given me the sweetest most heart-warming welcome I could imagine.  He didn't have to do that.  But I am thankful beyond words that He did.  Do you know that He is so real? And He is so involved in every single detail of our lives.  Do you know that He really does give us the desires of our hearts? Do you know that He delights in seeing us smile?  I pray that you feel that today.

Solid Rock

Last night is the first night I've laid awake with thoughts ticking about China.  I have four nights left in my comfy-cozy bed on this side of the sea.  As I lay there last night, coaxing myself to go to sleep, little faces began flashing through my mind.  Some were familiar little ones that I will be seeing in one week.  Some were little ones that I have yet to meet.  Some were little ones that I will never see again this side of heaven.  As excited and giddy as I am to finally be with them again, that familiar ache is also rising in my soul.  The ache that says, "This is not right."

No, its not right.  I wish with everything in me that I was not going to the other side of the word to visit children that have been abandoned.  I wish that the word orphan did not exist.  I wish that pain, suffering, disability, and tears were nonexistent as well.  I wish that every happy moment spent with these treasures was not clouded by the reality of their situation.  But it is.  And for this reason, I look to Him.

I look to Him because He loves them more than I can even imagine loving them.  Every little ache that is plaguing my heart right now is only a sliver of an ounce of what He feels for them.  The anger I feel when I think about their malnourished little bodies and their empty eyes will never compare to the righteous anger He exudes when His precious ones are exploited.  I look to Him because He is enough for them.  He is.  And He is enough for me.

And because He is enough, I can walk confidently into this battlefield.  I can fight without becoming weary.  I can pray with blessed assurance.  I can sing with joy--real, soul-deep joy.  And at the end of every good, hard, full day with them, I can once again lay these babies at the foot of the cross and I can take my stand on the Solid Rock...and there find my rest.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

A pile of stones

One of my favorite things to do when I am home is to open my closet door, peer up onto the shelf filled with my old journals, and choose a random one to read.  I dust off the front cover, delicately open the pages and take a deep breath.  I have to be in just the right mood to do this because its as if I relive the feelings and emotions I felt when I was writing them.  These journals are filled with my heartfelt prayers, petitions, questions, and pondering thoughts to the Lord that I've had over the past 9 years of my life.  Each journal leads me on a stroll down memory lane, each one filled with joys, heartaches, silly stories, and many tear-stained pages.  

Last night, I pulled down a journal from exactly two years ago.  I couldn't help but chuckle as I read about my fears and insecurities about my upcoming internship that summer.  I winced as I read about my sin-sick heart that was struggling to meet with God in the midst of college distractions.  I smiled as I read about the Lord's sweetness in walking with me.  I relived each and every word and was left with a gentle peace hovering over my heart as I was reminded once again of the reason that I journal.

I journal because my heart is sick with sin.  I journal because I can often sort through my thoughts on paper better than I can inside my mind. I journal because I am so quick to forget the faithfulness of my God.  How often do we pray a quick prayer in a moment of desperation and then forget to thank Him for the results?  How often do we see answered prayer all around us and forget the agonizing hours we spent praying for a miracle?  How often do we forget the many times Jesus has taken care of each and every detail of our stressful situations?  Oh friends, I forget more often than not.  And that is why I journal.

The book of Joshua tells of Joshua's command to the Israelites to build a stone wall.  He says, "That this may be a sign among you.  When your children ask in time to come, 'What do those stones mean to you?' then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord.  When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off.  So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever...so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty that you may fear the Lord your God forever." (4:6-7, 24).

God told them to build a wall so they could be reminded of His faithfulness.  I pray that my private journal and my public blog will serve as a little pile of stones, proclaiming the faithfulness of Jesus Christ.  My greatest prayers is that as you follow my next journey to the far side of the sea that you will be left in awe of Jesus, not Abby. 

Jesus Christ is in charge of this journey.  He is the Author, the Orchestrator,  and the Conductor.  And I pray that as you watch this weak, home-loving, sin-sick girl journey with Him to a far, far away place--that Jesus will make much of Himself and show us all that He is who He says He is, He will do what He says He will do, and He can be trusted.  What a joy and privilege it is to be on this journey with Him.

With that being said...8 days until it begins again! That means in approximately 10 days, I'll once again be face to face with that big blue building.  I'll be barging through those doors and scooping up as many babies as I can possibly hold while dancing around the room in a joy-filled frenzy.  Okay, so I realize it probably will not be as climatic as I'm dreaming in my head...but can you tell I'm excited?

10 days until I'm back at my home on the far side of the sea, and I couldn't be more thankful.

And thank you, dear ones, for being part of the journey.