In Recent Days

Dear Ones,

Please forgive me for my lack of communication over the past few weeks.  I came "home" from Hong Kong with a heavy heart to say the least.  Leaving my sweet little buddy in the hospital was excruciating.  I left him in very good hands, though.  A precious girl who lives at his foster home (and happens to be his preschool teacher) came to take my place.  He loves Chelsea and was delighted for her to come stay with him.  But tears were streaming down both of our faces when the time came to say goodbye.  I think I've felt a sliver of what a mom would feel, leaving her baby in an unknown and painful situation.  I could barely breathe as I walked away hearing his cries echo down the hallway.  Mom, I haven't given you enough credit.  Thank you for letting me follow HIM to an unknown and sometimes painful place.  I never realized how much it must make your heart ache.

During my time in HK, I got word that my precious grandmother, Mimi, had gone to be with Jesus.  She was so ready to see Him and had been talking about it for weeks.  She was 97 years old and had lived a full life, but the reality of death is shocking no matter how prepared we think we are.  Perhaps thats because we were not created for death.  "He has put eternity into man's heart" Ecclesiastes 3:11.  We were created with a longing for "always" in our hearts because we were created for eternity. Endings hurt.  They are a shocking reminder of our frailty, our existence marred by sin.  But, we cling to the hope we have in Jesus.  That one days, there will be no more endings.  No more painful goodbyes.  No more separation.  No more tears.  And until then, I take great delight in knowing that my Mimi is fuller than she's ever been.  She is dancing with her King.  And in that reality, there is no room for tears.  But here...there is plenty room.  And I've cried my fair share in the past few weeks.  I made the gut-wrenching decision not to go home for Mimi's funeral.  Everything in my heart was screaming to "GO!"...I wrestled with the Lord and sought much advice, but at the end of the day, I didn't feel a peace about going.  So I stayed and experienced another "first"...being away from home during the death and funeral of a loved one.  It hurt.  But He is my unchanging Rock.  Mimi's life is worth celebrating.  She was a precious, precious woman who impacted numerous lives.  Now, her life has been celebrated on two continents!

I was relieved to finally be "home" after two weeks of crazy.  My heart was weary and it was a great comfort to be greeted at the airport by 5 Martin kiddos, Steve, and Becca.  I've missed this place :) We've had a pretty normal week and I'm thankful for the seemingly mundane pace of life.  He is abundant peace and exceeding joy. 

One

The past week has been a whirlwind to say the very least.  My King is continuing to teach me that His agenda can be trusted and that life with Him truly is an adventure.  Rebecca and I had a great, relaxing week in Chengdu last week.  It was so nice to rest and to spend some time away.  My plan was to see tons of old friends and spend hours catching up with them.  But He  knew that more than that, I needed rest and time to begin processing through the past few months.  It turned out that each of my friends that I was planning to visit was either out of town, had moved, or was busy.  I was pretty disappointed but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

We planned to go back to the Big House on Thursday night, but on Thursday morning, we got a call saying that there was a little boy who needed to be taken to Hong Kong for surgery...on Friday.  After a few quick minutes of thinking we realized that it made the most sense for me to take him because I needed to go to HK for my visa renewal in September anyways.  So, in a matter of minutes we had changed the flights and I was preparing to head to HK.  I found a washer & dryer at the hostel and did a quick load while trying to rack my brain to make sure I was prepared to take a 3 year old through airports, planes, train, and finally to the hospital!

I got to Beijing at 2 am on Thursday night and we left at 7 am on Friday morning.  And I just want to say, I am with the most precious, adorable, sweetest little boy in the whole entire universe.  God is so kind to give me this gift.  After almost 12 hours of travel, delayed flights, storms, harsh customs officials, trains, taxis, and lots of dirty diapers we finally made it to the hospital.  I felt like we were pulling up to the Ritz Carleton when we finally got here! Little buddy was such a trooper, but we were both exhausted.

I feel like I have grown up so much in the past five days.  I have changed more urine bags, watched more mickey mouse, snuggled a feverish baby in the night, cleaned up more vomit, gave more kisses, played cars in the window sill, and smiled and laughed more than ever before in my life. I thought I was coming here to minister to this little boy, but God has ministered to me.  No child should ever have to do hospital stays and surgery without a mama.  I am so honored to play this role in his life right now.  I truly have been given a gift.

Living in a home with hundreds of children is a joy.  But being in a small cubicle in a huge hospital with one child is truly life changing.  God has reminded me that His heart beats for each child individually.  So today, its about the sweet little boy sleeping in the bed beside me.  Its about his little heart, his little body, and his needs.  For this one we will fight.  For this one we will face long nights and sick days.  For this one we will pray and advocate and persevere.  After all, He still would have died...if only for one. 

Can you join me in praying for this One?

I'm not sure what to title this post.  "Crazy Emotions All Over the Place" maybe? Or "The Life of a Doubter...Saved by Grace"?  The truth is, I am a girl who doubts.  Even when the faithfulness of my God is so clear before me that it could slap me in the face.  Still, I continue to doubt.  I continue to worry.  I continue to be afraid.  I continue to long for the past and I continue to fear the future.  Even though He has proven Himself over.and.over.and.over.and.over.again.  Oh me of little faith!!

This week, Rebecca and I decided to take a little trip to Chengdu.  This city holds many, many memories for me.  For those of you who followed my journey last year, you remember that this is the city where I spent four months studying Chinese at the local university.  You might also remember that those were some of the longest, hardest months of my entire life.  It was raw and real and Jesus was so close.  But it was hard.  It was here that I cried more bitter tears than ever before.  It was here that I reached the depths of loneliness and found that He was there waiting for me.  Walking through the streets of this city the past few days has been surreal.  I have been re-experiencing some of the feelings that I felt before--the joy, the adventure, the sadness, the uneasiness, the excitement.  But something is missing--the precious people.  Most of my friends that were here last year have moved on.  With the exception of two local friends, I don't know anyone here anymore.  I realizing that place apart from the people is just a place.  What made Chengdu so special and unique was experiencing it with the people He handpicked to be here.  I'm realizing that Jesus dwells in people, not places.  That reminder brings much joy, peace, and healing to my heart. Being here is such a reminder of His faithfulness.  He brought me out of that difficult time and has allowed me to return with shouts of joy.  He is good.  Its good to be here and to relive the memories...and its also good to move on. 

I have a hard time with change.  I have a hard time moving on.  I really struggle with longing for the past and fearing the future.  I have yet to learn how to live in the moment.  Right now, I find myself longing for college and for what I left behind in the last season of life.  I find myself longing to be living in a dorm with all my closest friends.  I find myself embellishing the memories and making them seem "larger than life" when in reality, I know those days were certainly not fairy tales either.  I also find myself feeling anxious about the next steps that I will be taking, some of which are still uncertain. 

Oh me of little faith.  He is faithful to remind me that I am not guaranteed tomorrow and I cannot go back to yesterday.  He has given me this day.  And it is precious. It is the only one of its kind.  And you know what?  He has not changed.  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.   In Him there is no variation or shadow due to change.  No matter what yesterday held and no matter what tomorrow brings.  He is the same.

And in that, we can all rejoice.

This is the day that the Lord has made

I will rejoice and be glad in it! 

The Blessing of Family

One of the hardest, most gut wrenching things about living abroad is leaving family behind.  I cringe to think of all the things I "miss" when I'm here at my China home.  I've missed celebrating many birthdays, I've missed our yearly family reunion on the River, I've missed "no reason" gatherings, I've missed many little one's monumental moments.  My heart aches to think of my whole family being together and missing one thing...me.  A familiar pain creeps in my soul when there are difficult or heartbreaking things that I really want to be there for and yet I find myself far, far away.  Its a really helpless feeling to be on the other side of the world when "life happens" and hard days come to those I love.  But its in these moments that I have to consciously offer my loved ones back to our Father and I trust that He is caring for them.  I have to trust that His timing is perfect and that He knew I wouldn't be present.  This is not a surprise to Him.  I also have to remind myself to be thankful.  With modern communication--email, skype, and international calling--I am able to talk with my family often.  I think of those who have gone before me who didn't have such conveniences.  The calling was the same, they still followed Jesus despite the hardships.  I am so thankful for modern technology!

I am also thankful that sweet Jesus has given me another family.  My "China family" is a group of people that I hold so dear to my heart.  He handpicked each of us from different walks of life.  He gave us each different passions and interests.  Our journeys to getting here are all unique.  But here we are, living in this big blue house in the middle of China.  A body of believers united for a common purpose.  It is truly beautiful.  Each Sunday morning we meet at the Martin's apartment for a time of fellowship with our Father and with each other.  This morning as we sat singing a capella hymns, reading Scripture, and praying together I thought to myself, "This is what Jesus meant by the body of Christ."

My mom isn't here to tend to me when I'm sick, but I have friends at my bedside the moment I come down with a simple cold.  My family isn't here to throw me a birthday party, yet I had gifts and a cake and a party from my China family.  We might not have have a biological family to pull together welcome-home parties, yet when one of our family members returns from a trip, they return to signs covering their door and a welcoming brigade waiting in the driveway.  We might miss out on our family gatherings at home, but we have family dinners and olympic-watching parties until the wee hours of the morning.  I am 7000 miles away from my family...and yet I have a family in this house.  I am forever thankful for this sweet blessing.  Family is a gift from God.  And because of Jesus, my family is not confined to genetic makeup.  Anywhere I go, if believers are present, I have family.  And that is an extreme comfort.

Dan, my fellow intern, is returning home to begin another year of college.  To commemorate our priceless summer as one big, happy family we decided to take some family photos.  I was inspired by an "Awkward Family Photo" book that we got my brother for Christmas last year.  I hope you enjoy looking at our photos as much as we enjoyed taking them.  But please don't take them too seriously ;)

Sweet Summertime

I love summertime.  I love everything about it.  Long days, cool mornings, singing birds, melting popsicles, the beach, no school, black bathwater from dirty feet, swimming all day and then being so hungry, watermelon, flip flops, the smell of charcoal, free kid movies, sleeping in, cicadas making a symphony outside your window, bird feeders, wildflowers, fried okra and creamed corn, letting the sun dry your body after swimming, a good beach novel, bright toenails, pony tails, sun-kissed cheeks, sweet tea with extra ice, an early morning walk...I love summertime.

That's why I love our new weekly swim days. There's just nothing quite like naked babies in swim diapers eating popsicles and swimming in the morning sun.  Priceless moments of summertime sweetness. I'm not sure who enjoys it more...the little kiddos...or the big ones :)

A bigger heart

Life is ticking at a shockingly quick pace around here.  A lot of things have happened in my life during the past two weeks..including (but not limited to): getting engaged, saying good bye to my new fiancé for a few months at the least, traveling all the way to and from Hong Kong in one single day, hosting a team of 21 precious students for a week, and having my dear friend Catherine come visit! My heart is full, it really is.  But I'll be honest...I.am.tired.

On top of all the visible busyness, the Lord has been laying new truths on my heart each day.  I am so thankful that He not only reveals more of Himself to me, but that He also walks with me as I process and learn to apply the truths to my life.  Last week, He used two precious girls that were here visiting with their family to teach me more about His heart for the orphan.  Just when I begin to think I have it figured out, He enlarges my understanding and shows me that I have not begun to skim the surface of his heart for the least.

These two girls were adopted from this country just three years ago, at eleven years old.  Their trip last week was their first time back since they were adopted.  I stood in awe of my Savior as I got to talk to these sweet sisters and learn more about their lives before and after their adoption.  They were kind to share with us and to answer the many questions I had.  But what I couldn't help but notice was the sadness in their eyes.

 I tried placing myself in their shoes.  Living in one place for eleven years, it being all you've ever known.  Then, kind strangers come and take you to a foreign place that you are now told is "home".  New faces, new food, new language, new friends...new everything.  Yes, they have a family now...and what a sweet, priceless blessing that is...but I can't help but wonder,...what about everything they left behind?  These two precious girls have a mommy and a daddy and siblings who love them more than life itself, but they also have a China-sized hole in their hearts.  And there is still a wealth of pain that streams from that hole.

Listening to the words of these girls made me realize that the pain and scars of brokenness do not evaporate once a family arrives.  A family is a wonderful mechanism that our Father often uses to facilitate healing.  But only Jesus Christ can heal a shattered heart.  Only He can reveal His own sweetness.  Only He can understand the depths of pain and loneliness.  Only He can see when no one else sees. God's heart for the orphan is bigger than I ever imagined and it stretches farther than just physical adoption into families.  His plan allows for complete restoration of heart, soul, and mind.

And this truth stands firm for everyone.  We have all experienced brokenness and pain.  We are all victims of the Fall, and not one of us has experienced life apart from sin and pain.  Jesus often blesses us with mechanisms of healing--families, friends, counselors, time.  But only JESUS can heal.  Only He can restore.  And only He can breathe fresh life into dull bones.

You know, orphan care is not some compartmentalized section of God's heart.  All of God's heart always comes back to the Gospel.  We are broken people.  We serve a God who heals.  He chooses different ways to heal us from different wounds.

His heart is way bigger than the box I put Him in.

An Evening to Remember

This past week has been overwhelmingly beautiful.  If words would suffice, I could surely write an entire novel.  For those of you who have not heard, my sweet Michael traveled 7,000 miles across the world to ask me to be his bride.  He braved 36 hours of travel, delayed flights, and lots of security checkpoints to finally get to me.  A small portrait of the way my Heavenly Prince pursues me.

Our week together was rich to say the very least! I absolutely loved having him here in my China home with my China family.  I have often dreamed of sitting in baby nurseries with him and watching him with the children who have stolen my heart.  I never knew if that dream would come true.  I think I spent the first three days of his trip in a state of constant teary-ness, overwhelmed by the faithfulness of my God.

On Sunday, we went for an afternoon picnic on river paddle boats.  It was a wonderful start to a wonderful evening.  Afterwards, he told me to dress up as much as I'd like because he had something planned for the evening.  He led me up to the rooftop, one of my favorite spots in the entire building.  It is on this rooftop where I have experienced some of my highest of highs and lowest of lows.  It is here that I have wrestled with the Lord morning after morning and found that He often speaks most clearly in painful circumstances. This rooftop is very special to me.  We turned the corner to find a beautiful scene displayed.  White table cloths, a beautiful bouquet of roses, and dozens of candles swaying in the wind.  Instrumental hymns of adoration and worship were playing gently in the background.  Tears spilled down my face as "Great is Thy Faithfulness" created the undertone for the evening. Truly, He is so faithful!

We sat at the table and he filled our glasses with sparkling cider.  Soon, my sweet friends Rebecca and Mariah appeared.  Rebecca was taking photos and Mariah was serving our homemade meal.  I was once again overcome with emotion to see what lengths these precious ones had gone to simply to serve me.  After a delicious meal of lasagna, bread, and salad, Michael asked me if I wanted to dance.  So there, on the rooftop of the Big Blue House, we put our ballroom dancing skills into action...and we danced.

Soon, Michael whispered in my ear that he had something else to show me.  We walked back around the corner to find two chairs with a small table in the middle.  The lighting was soft and a single white rose waited in my chair.  I sat down and Michael pulled a small bag from under the table.  In the bag was a letter that he read out loud.  Oh friends, Jesus Christ truly does write the sweeter song! His way truly is best! He is the author of romance and a love story scripted by Him can be nothing less than breathtaking.  Before I knew it, my Michael was down on one knee holding the most beautiful ring I've ever seen.  And there, on the rooftop of the Big Blue House, he asked me to be his bride.  And I've never been more overjoyed to let out a resounding y-e-s!

Over the past three years, I have been pursued by a man who loves Jesus more than he will ever love me.  I have watched him give of himself over and over for the sake of those around him.  He has been cautious to guard my heart, prayerfully mulling over each and every word he speaks to me.  He begged Jesus to set the pace of our relationship from day one and has adhered to His gentle voice even when the world said to move faster.  He has treated me as a delicate flower worth protecting.  He has fought for me in prayer more times than I am even aware of.  He has sought counsel from older men in order to gain as much wisdom as possible.  He goal is to bring maximum glory to Jesus Christ, and it has been evident in each step of his pursuit of me. 

I know Jesus better because I have been pursed and loved by Michael.  I have been inspired to chase Jesus with more passion, more abandon, and more faith.  I have seen a small picture of my Heavenly Prince's love for me and how he fights ceaselessly for my heart.

Jesus has been so good to us.  To be here in this Big Blue House that has forever stolen my heart, with my precious kiddos and my sweet China family...I could not imagine a better way to enter into this next season of life.  Jesus Christ is the dream giver and the dream fulfiller.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name.

Psalm 103:1