From my earthly home

I'm home from the far side of the sea! One season has ended so another can begin.  Change is always so bittersweet, isn't it? I was met at the airport on Monday by a crowd of precious friends and family.  It was such a joy to walk off that plane and be immediately showered with love and support.  There were even welcome home signs on the side of the roads leading up to my house...what sweet friends I have been blessed with!

I have been laying low this week, still trying to sort through many emotions, heartaches, joys, and the infamous jet lag.  I'm going to miss the country of China.  I'm going to miss the crazy, random things that happen on a daily basis.  I'm going to miss the crazy traffic, the funny smells, the split pants, the taxi drivers, having fried rice at my fingertips at all times, and yes, even the squatty potties.  But these things won't keep me awake at night.  But thinking about Jessica, Jaelynn, Joseph, Jay-Ar, Naomi, Claire, Dreena, Judah, Fahlin, Kirby, Issac, Zane...the precious little ones who I left in China...thinking of these little treasures will keep me in a state of brokenness.  I am so happy to be home, but there is a constant ache in my heart when their faces flash across my mind.  I so badly want to tell myself, "It's all going to be okay."  And one day it will.  One day when we reach those pearly gates.  One day when we are finally home.  One day when we meet our King face to face in Paradise...One day it will all be okay.  But that day has not come yet.  And the reality of today is that I left these children in the same place that I found them.  Yes, they have been showered with a few more kisses and perhaps they have been rocked to sleep a couple more times...but they are still orphans.  And as much as I abhor that truth, it's undeniable.

  I am fervently praying against the paralyzing feeling of helplessness that's banging against the doors of my heart.  A new season has begun...a season not of holding them, but of praying fervently.  A season not of whispering sweet words in their ears, but of shouting from the rooftops on their behalf.  A season not of singing silly songs, but of crying real tears of brokenness and rallying others to join in the song.  A season of learning more, fighting harder, and advocating louder.  A season of continuing to speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves.  A season of looking for more ways to be involved here (trust me, the United States is filled with orphans..."foster care children" just sounds more polite).  And the very same Jesus who led me to the far side of the sea will continue to lead, guide, discipline me here.  Praise Him who never changes!

Thank you, sweet warriors, for following my journey.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you and humbled by your prayers and support.  I could not have made this journey without your prayers, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You are priceless.

From my earthly home,
 Abby

Having the reality of God's presence is not dependent on our being in a particular circumstance or place, but is only dependent on our determination to keep the Lord before us continually.

-Oswald Chambers

Pre-departure thoughts

Four days until I'm on my way back to 美国。I can hardly believe it.

I'm trying to savor every moment.  I'm kissing all the precious faces I can, singing "Jesus loves me" thousands of times, rocking sleeping treasures and watching their tiny faces as they dream, all the while trying to hold back the tears.  So many emotions are pulsing through my heart.  Bottom line: leaving is hard because it forces me to trust Him more.  You see, when I'm here...I know they're being kissed and hugged and sung to.  I see it with my own eyes.  I hear their laughter with my own ears.  I touch them with my own hands and hold them in my own arms.  But when I'm gone...I have to trust.  I have to trust that He loves them more than I will ever be capable of loving.  He holds them when no one else is around.  He sings them to sleep each and every night.  He hears every giggle, He knows every distinct cry, He watches every first wobbly step (while beaming from ear to ear, I'm sure). He is the Father to the fatherless...and He means that literally.  And He does.not.need.me.  What a relief!

I'm so thankful that I'm leaving them here at  Maria's where they are surrounded by people who love Him (and them).  I know they will still be showered with kisses and love and they will steal tons more hearts after I leave.  I'm just a little sad that I'll be missing those kisses!  I'm going to miss the morning hugs.  I'm really going to miss the night time play sessions (when they should be in bed).  I'm going to miss the chaos of 4th of July parades and fashion shows (with 140 special needs kiddos). I'm going to miss holding Joseph for his afternoon nap.  I'm going to miss singing 祝你生日快乐"Happy Birthday to you" over and over and over with Jessica, Judah, and Fahlin...when its no one's birthday. I'm going to miss China.  This crazy, lovely country that has stolen my heart.

With that being said, I'm also ecstatic to go home. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could spend 6 months so far away.  (I know in the grand scheme of things 6 months isn't that long...but to my home-lovin' heart it sure is!)  I can't wait to step off that plane and see familiar faces waiting for me! I can't wait to sleep in my own bed and wake up and drink coffee with my parents.  I can't wait to eat some chic-fil-a and have lots of ice in my diet coke. I'm excited to sit with friends and talk for hours.  I'm excited to get back to Berry and reunite with precious sisters and brothers.  Its going to be good.  Leaving is hard, but I'm so thankful that I have a sweet place to go home to.  Right now all I can think about is the fact that my babies here don't have that.

I appreciate your prayers and support, sweet warriors! All your encouraging emails and comments really do mean the world to me! Please pray for me these next four days.  But more than that, please pray for these little treasures.  Please join me in fighting for them. 

Balloons

 Doesn't every child deserve a room filled with balloons...just for the fun of it?

 We think so too!

Just a mom?

Ever since I was a little girl, I've been fascinated by children.  I was that annoying little 7-year old who would follow around the mom with a baby relentlessly asking, "Can I hold him now please?" I was mothering other kids before I was even out of diapers myself.  If there was a baby in the building, little Abby was glued to its side. (not much has changed...).  My Granddaddy used to tease me that my birthday parties looked more like baby showers than little girl parties.  Folks, we even had to pack an extra little suitcase on our family vacation when I was in third grade...the extra suitcase belonged to by baby doll (who was, in fact, a real baby, thank you very much!).

Me as a 3 year old with all my children. 8 kids and counting!

I feel like God planted a mother's heart deep within my soul while He was still knitting my together in my mother's womb.  Its just always been a part of who I am.  As I enter into my senior year of college, I'm often asked, "So, what do you want to do after college?  What are your career goals?  What's next?"  And as I spelled out in my last post, I have no idea what the future holds and I only pray that my wayward heart will be obedient to His tender voice. I don't know where I'll be this time next year or what I'll be doing.  But, the desire of my heart as a little girl still rings true today:  I really just want to be a mom when I grow up.

I went through a brief period where I was a little embarrassed to tell people that I just wanted to be a mom.  People would say, "Oh, I know that...but like, what do you want to do?" And I would repeat, "Well,  uh, I want to be a mom...really."  I don't really appreciate the phrase, "Just a mom."  To me, this implies that being "just a mom" is something a person reverts to when other avenues fail.  That greater things are expected of most people but then there are some who never achieve greater things...so they're labeled "just moms".  Let me say...I am so so so so thankful for the "just moms" to have raised and molded Godly warriors for my King--warriors who have changed the world because their "just mom" took the time and energy to selflessly pour herself into their lives teaching them and (more importantly) showing them how to love God and love people.  I have a whole lot of respect for all you "just moms" out there. 

You know, behind a lot (not all, but a lot) of godly warriors stands a godly mama.  A mama who spends hours on her knees on behalf of her children.  A mama who labors continuously sowing the seeds of salvation in their tender hearts. A mama who "salts the oats" in order to make His Word as desirable as possible so that her children will find themselves hungering and thirsting after it.  A mama who hums songs about her Savior while she's cooking supper.  A mama who sets an example of forgiveness, love, and humility.  A mama who serves others and gives her children opportunities to do the same.   It seems to me that God often uses a Godly mama to shape the hearts or future warriors.

I don't know what the future holds.  And I will count it my greatest joy if God allows me to be an actual mother.  But you know what?  I am also comforted and excited to know that even if I never have physical children on this earth, each and every day, I have the glorious opportunity to sow seeds and salt oats for as many spiritual "children" as I can.  And I pray to live my life in such a way, that on that glorious day when we are all gathered at the throne, I will be surrounded by children.  Children from all nations, tribes, and social statuses who I've had the privilege of introducing to my Father.  And together we will rejoice together as we sing, "Holy, Holy, Holy is He".

So just in case anyone was wondering...  I am a twenty-year old college kid.  And I want to be a mom when I grow up. A 15-passenger van literally is my dream car.  I want to raise a mob of God-fearing kiddos.  I want to send out a band of mighty warriors.  And I want to see the world be changed.

P.S- Just a side note...my "mother's heart" breaks every single day living in this house of 140 precious children who do not have "just a mom" or "just a dad" for that matter.  I live in a house of 140 potential warriors--and they need brave mommies and daddies and take them under their wings and prepare them for battle.  Any takers?

All Nations, All Children, All People

I'm leaving China in 26 days.  I can't even wrap my mind around the reality that my time here (for this season at least) has almost come to and end.  He has sustained me.  He has been faithful.  He is everything He says He is. Really.  And the same One who brought me to this place will also go with me back to Georgia.  In fact, He will go before me, behind me, and with me.  And He will remain the same as I enter back into stateside life and as I begin my last year of college in August. My heart quivers at the thought of leaving this country that has stolen my heart and these children who have become imprinted on my very soul.  But, He will remain the same.  No matter where I go.  No matter what the future holds.  My source of stability. My source of comfort.  Only Him.

I've had numerous people ask me if I'll be returning to China in the future.  Honestly, that is a question I've asked myself almost every day since I arrived in February.  On good days I'd think to myself, "Of course I'll be back! Where else would I rather be?"  On not so good days I'd think, "No way! 180 days and I'm outta here!" So, as typical of my life, the question of returning sends me on an emotional roller coaster ride.  The short answer:  Returning to China (long term) is my greatest hope....and my biggest fear.  And at this point, I have no idea what the future holds.  My only prayer is that I'll be obedient to the tender voice of my Prince.  He knows my heart.  He may ask me to do things or go places that I feel completely incapable of doing or going.  But as He has proven again and again...He can be trusted.  China has a very very special place in my heart.  I love this country.  I love these people.  I love these babies.  And I would love it if my Prince were to bring me back someday.  But I have to hold China with on open hand.  This place is not my goal.  He is my goal.

With that being said, I want to send you here.  This is the blog for the [SOUP], Sponsorship of Orphans in Uganda Project (The Soup Website can be found here).  This organization was founded two years ago by one of my best friends, Brin Enterkin.  Brin spent summer 2009 living in a small village in Uganda.  Her heart was gripped by the vast need for health care, basic necessities (food, clothing, etc) and education for a group of precious children in the village.  She came home and could not stand to be silent. As a sophomore in college Brin decided to begin this organization.  Since then, we've built a team of about ten students at Berry who meet weekly to pray and figure out the best ways to care for these kiddos. You can get more details about the [SOUP] on the website...but I want you to take a look at the latest blog entries.  Brin and our other [SOUP] staffer, Sarah, were both in Uganda last week (Sarah is spending all summer there).  Scroll down and take a look at some of the pictures.  Study the faces.


This is why China can't be my goal.  If I limit myself to one region of the world, I am cutting myself off from experiencing the entirety of God's heart.  You see, His heart beats for all people. So this includes China, Africa, Peru, Canada, England, Russia, the United States...you get the picture.  Now, of course, He gave me a tender spot for China.  He opened doors for me to come here.  And the more time I spend here, learning the culture and loving the people, naturally, I grow more comfortable and at-home.  But I think the temptation many people face is that of becoming obsessed with one particular region.  I've seen so many people go on short term trips and then come home absolutely enamored and obsessed with that place (and I'm saying this only because I've done it...).  It's almost like we block ourselves off from other places or people just because we had a great experience in a certain place.  I do believe that He calls us to particular places at particular times and I know He lays certain people groups on our hearts...but my heart does not belong to a country.  My heart belongs to the One who formed it.  And He alone gets to decide my path.  So, yes, I've spent the last six months of my life in China. And I have loved every second of it (well...mostly) BUT, He may never bring me back to China.  And I have to be okay with that.

I pray daily for His heart

I pray daily that mine will break when His does

I pray daily that I will be obedient

So who knows whether that will mean China, Africa, Belgium, Cambodia, Belize, Argentina, France, Russia, or USA?  Not me.  I want my heart to skip a beat when I see the face of any orphaned child...not just Asian ones.  I want to be enthralled with people of every nation, every tribe, and every tongue.  And I pray that my wayward heart will be obedient to His calling to follow my King to the far side of whatever sea He chooses.  Even if that sea is just the Okefenokee Swamp, Hah!

Princess

Dear Princess,

I hold you in my arms today

savoring every single second

Because I know that your time on earth is short.

Your little heart can't handle much more.

Your breaths are already shallow and strained.

There are so many questions I can't answer for you, Princess.

I don't know why your mommy and daddy couldn't care for you.

I don't know why you were born with a sick heart.

I don't know why you have to go to bed alone

night after night after night.

But one thing I do know, Princess

You are not a mistake, Beloved Child.

You were knit together inside your mama's belly

And every part of your body is perfectly formed.

He did not turn his face a way when you were created.

He was right there,

forming every last ligament and fingernail

You are a masterpiece.

You are a vessel of His glory, Princess.

When you smile, His joy spills out

When you giggle, His light bounces around the room

And when your little eyes well up with tears of loneliness

the heavens also weep.

He loves you so much

I'm a little envious, Princess

Because you're going to meet Him so soon.

It will happen so quickly

Before you know it, you will be transformed

Suddenly there will be no more tears

No more shallow breaths

No more sick hearts

No more loneliness.

You will be in His everlasting arms, sweet girl.

I know He is anxious to hold you

I'm so thankful that He has given me one more day with you, Princess

I want answers to all the questions

I want to know why

My heart is screaming,

"IT'S NOT FAIR!"

But I look into your sweet face

And I am reminded that He is good

Even when I don't understand.

I'll see you again soon, Princess

And all our questions will be answered

 

Super Size Me- China Edition

 So, what do two girls do when they find themselves with ten cheeseburgers, ten boxes of chicken nuggets and twenty orders of french fries all. to. themselves?  Good question.  I'm glad you asked.

This morning we said good-bye to our second student team.  This was a precious group of young women who I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know over the past week.  They have brought so much joy to my heart! I continue to me amazed at how our sweet Daddy hand-picks each member of these teams for our good and His glory.  I love hearing their stories and seeing their passion for the least.  I feel like I'm getting a front row seat to a story much bigger than myself.  What a privilege.

Okay, so back to the story. 

The team left around 9 am this morning.  The teary good-byes were over and Caitlin and I were about to snuggle down with some popcorn and a good movie when Boss Mikey calls (around 12:30pm) to tell us that their flight had been delayed (they were supposed to take off at 10:45).  The flight wasn't expected to leave for another two hours so he was asking if Caitlin and I would kindly consider making a trip to good ole' Mickey D's and pick up some lunch for our dear, famished team mates.  Being the awesome interns that we are, we were more than willing :)  We loaded up and headed to McDonalds where we ordered 10 cheeseburgers, 10 orders of chicken nuggets and 20 orders of french fries.  You should have seen the wide eyed stares we received from the Mcdonald's workers...priceless.

We ordered and paid and were watching the workers fill the huge cardboard box with our lunch goodies when the cell phone rang.  Its Mikey.. the conversation goes like this...

"Uh, hey...where are you?"

  "At Mcdonalds! We're almost finished getting the food and we're headed your way." 

"Uh....we're actually boarding the plane now.....so I guess you have a lot of burgers on your hands!"

So, back to the question:  What do two girls do when they find themselves with ten cheeseburgers, ten boxes of chicken nuggets and twenty orders of french fries all. to. themselves?

They laugh a lot

And eat wayyyyy too much.

(And of course they share with whoever happens to walk by.  And offer french fries to any kiddos that can  chew.  And beg people to please eat one more fry!)