Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your Presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Psalm 139:7-10
Law calls effort and strain and urges us toward a goal we can never reach
Grace works in us all HIS blessed will.
-Andrew Murray
The Ministry of Intercession
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
May He be the object of our affection and devotion today as we celebrate. May tears of thankfulness and awe flow freely and unashamed as we stand in awe of this Savior we serve.
I met her a few nights ago. An old woman dressed in a ragged blue sweater. She was crumpled on the ground, sitting on an old potato sack. Her face was turned downward and before her sat a little bucket for money. She is an old beggar woman.
I pretended not to notice her. I mapped out a path to get around her without having to stop. The people flooded by--some glancing her way, others pretending not to notice her...like me. There she sat.
The disgusted look on the faces of those who passed by her was undeniable. You are worthless. You are scum. You are on old beggar woman.
I walked past her. Ten steps past where she sat, my heart sank into my stomach because I heard a whisper. "Abby, did you see Me?" It's that gentle voice that is becoming more and more familiar to my soul. I quickly pulled out my wallet, threw some small bills in her bucket and zipped away. No smile, no pat on the back, no eye contact--just fulfilling my duty.
I hear it again. "Abby, I'm thirsty. Won't you give me something to drink?" "But local people don't even like cold water!", I reason with myself, trying to coddle my flesh. I don't want to. People will think I'm crazy. "Abby, I'm thirsty" The reply was soft, yet stern.
I reluctantly stepped away to a little store and purchased a bottle of water. I unscrewed the cap and walked back to the woman. "Now, kneel beside me. Touch me. Look into my eyes." I knelt down beside her and placed my hand on her shoulder. She slowly looked up at me. I gazed into her eyes--and I saw Him. I also saw the reason why I didn't want to look her in the eye before. Its because eyes are the window into a person's soul....that's where pain lives.
She's no longer an old beggar woman.
She is a human being with feelings and emotions
She is a woman with a story
She is daughter of the King
She is royalty
I handed her the water and said, "Wo gei ni (I give you)" She clasped her hands together in disbelief and began to move her body back and forth exclaiming, "Xie Xie! Xie Xie! (Thank you, thank you!)" I sat for a moment--paralyzed. I was looking into the eyes of my Beloved.
I walked away and felt sick to my stomach. Its not that I gave an old woman some water............... Its that I almost missed it.
I almost missed him.
I was disgusted by him. I tried to avoid him. I tried to throw money in his face to fulfill my own fleshly conscience.
I began asking myself how many times a day do I miss him? How many times a day do I ignore those gentle nudges?
Way too often.
Have you seen him today?
Maybe in the grocery store. Maybe at the post office. Maybe that person who knocked on your front door. Have you seen him today? If so, how did you respond? May our hearts be transformed to see.
I'm convinced that China is one of the most bizarre places on earth. I know its not really true, but some days I feel like it! Here are some glimpses into my life in China. These are the things that make me lie down at night with a sigh saying, "I love China..."
Dinner anyone?
Stylish Rompers (this is for Megan Hodder)
Silly Asian picture poses
The longest rat-tail I've ever seen...can you spot it?
Fun fingernails for $7
Super crowded buses
"Wai guo rens" (foreigners) squeezed onto those super crowded buses
Dogs that ride on the backs of bikes and motorcycles
I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way. I'm not a huge fan of using sad pictures of pitiful children with longing faces in order to tug at people's emotional heart strings and cause them to feel guilty about not helping the orphan. So please hear my heart before I begin...this is not intended to be a guilt trip. This is a call to fervent prayer. This is a plea for action. Because as we're sitting around praying about whether or not to get involved in caring for the orphan...they are still waiting. How long must they wait?
I had the opportunity to visit an orphanage last week. I don't really know how to respond when people ask me, "So...How was the orphanage?!?!" (In a very excited tone of voice...) Am I supposed to smile and say, "Oh wonderful, yes, it was wonderful." Am I supposed to say, "Those little kids are just so darn cute! I wish I could take them all home!" Or am I supposed to tell the truth.
No, its not wonderful. In fact, its one of the saddest places on earth.
A room with rickety old cribs filled with babies. A room with no toys--no balls, no matchbox cars, no silly kiddie shows playing in the background. Their little arms reaching up as if they haven't been held for days. Their little eyes void of life. So desperate for skin-to-skin contact that he won't even lift his head off my shoulder. Little hands gripping my shirt as if to say, "Please, don't leave me again..." Nestled in my arms fast asleep...only to be ripped away and plopped onto the cold tile floor.
I feel helpless. I feel sad. I feel mad. I feel nothing. I feel ashamed at my lack of hope. I feel desperate. I feel restless. I don't know what to feel. I can only fall to my knees. This is reality.
Please, take a moment to close your eyes and imagine a day in the life of an orphan. Mama doesn't come in the mornings and gently wake you up. You don't get a warm breakfast as the hustle and bustle of morning fills the house. You don't go to the doctor for checkups. You don't get medicine when you feel yucky. You still feel hungry. You feel a little sad...no one to hold you. Might as well stop crying, what good does it do anyway? The days seem so long. No daddy to play tickle-time. No bath-tonight...a sponge will have to do. Too many kids, wish there was some peace and quiet. Its night time.. too quiet. Afraid of the dark. Oh well...no one will come if you cry.
Again, please hear my heart. I'm not trying to paint a pitiful picture to make you feel guilty. I myself am trying to process what I've seen and heard. Brothers and Sisters, if we are believers in the most High God...then frankly, the not caring for the least of these is simply not.an.option. For some reason, we've decided that we'll get involved if "we feel called". We say we'll pray about it...but really? Are we really on our knees before the Almighty, begging Him to move swiftly on behalf of the orphan, the widow, the poor, the trafficked, the hungry, the sick?
When did commands become suggestions? I don't know, but I pray fervently against this mindset. God promises to rescue the destitute. But he promises to use us to do so.
But the problem is so humongous, where do we even begin? To be honest, I have no idea. This is the question I wrestle with every day. But one thing I do know--doing nothing is getting us no where. And you know what? The details can be left up to the Almighty himself. Why don't we start by falling to our knees? Why don't we start by specifically asking Him to show us what He wants of us and of our families? Why don't we start by asking Him to transform our hearts so that we will weep when He weeps?
My friends, please take a few minutes to watch this video clip. May it grip your heart and move you to your knees. I pray. I pray. I pray that we, the body of the Living God, will be moved to action. Oh Father, rescue us from this depraved indifference!
Yes, I realize its been almost two weeks since I've written a blog. I'm not even sure if anyone is still following me! Its not that I have a lack of things to say..trust me, I have more things to talk about than ever before in my life! Its just trying to sift through all my experiences and emotions and then turn it into a somewhat comprehensible post...its takes time and prayer! Haha!
And the other thing is...well, I'm tired of writing about how hard my life is right now. I really really want to write a purely positive, encouraging post about how everything here is just hunky dory. I want to tell you that all my days are filled with sunshine and shouts of joy. So, when I don't have those things to report, its hard to make myself sit down and write to you. But, then I remember the promise I made when I first started this blog. And that was to be honest, vulnerable, and raw. Who am I to pretend that I have it all together? My greatest desire is for you to see my weaknesses. Because its only in my weakness that He can be strong. I want you to see that the very same God who is with me on the mountaintop also holds me in the valleys. And the same is true for your lives too, my sweet friends. He is so faithful. If you don't hear anything else from my blog, please hear this. He.is.so.stinkin.faithful. And we can trust Him. Even when there seem to be more bad days than good days. Even when there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Even when an hour of crying becomes a part of your daily routine. He.is.the.same....period.
Last week I wrote about being brought to the end of myself. It has been a sweet, painful realization to have. But at the same time, liberating. I feel weaker than ever before. But this is exactly where He wants me. Because only in this place am I totally empty to be filled by Him. His Word says,
For this says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy; "I dwell in the High and Holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite" Isaiah 57:15
Oh to be revived by the Almighty! This is my prayer. This past week, I have spent more time on my knees weeping before my King than ever before in my life. I desire nothing more than to cry out to Him in my despair. And truly, His Spirit is the only thing that can comfort a weary soul. This is what I've always prayed for, this utter desperation, but I never realized it would be so painful. My joy is lacking, my perseverance is swaying, and my attitude is not-so-beautiful some days. I don't know how to describe it though, because somehow, it is a sweet pain. Because I'm learning that He.is.so.real. More real than I could have ever imagined.
I'm not sure how much of the gory details to share on my blog. I want to be as vulnerable as possible, but I also realize that this is a public website. But I want to leave you with this thought as I wrestle though tough days: Please, don't be afraid to follow HIM into hard places. When I signed up to come here, I knew it would be hard. But I really couldn't prepare for the loneliness I would feel some days. I couldn't prepare for what it would feel like to hold dying orphans in my arms. I couldn't prepare for how I'd feel after visiting temples where thousands of people are worshiping idols. But you know what? He knew. And He has been absolutely more than I could ever ask for. He truly is enough. HE NEVER CHANGES, friends. Everything in our lives have the potential to change. Everything. But not the King we serve. And I'm learning that every single hard place has been ordained by Him to refine us into His likeness. Its called sanctification--and its a privilege to be refined into the image of our King. Are you willing to follow Him into the hard places? Please, don't be afraid. He who has called you is completely trustworthy to finish what He started. He is faithful to catch every tear that falls from your face. He is faithful to hear every cry of, "Help me, help me, help me." He is faithful to hold your trembling body in His secure arms. I want to know that He is enough. We can trust Him to prove it to us.
Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer, from the end of the earth I call to you. When my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Psalm 61:1-3
P.S- I covet and appreciate your prayers more than you know. It is so sweet and comforting to have a BODY of like-minded souls to hold us up when we are weary. And please let me know of specific ways I can lift you up, dear brothers and sisters. It is my privilege to come before my King with requests on behalf of my family. I'm learning that now more than ever.
