From my earthly home

I'm home from the far side of the sea! One season has ended so another can begin.  Change is always so bittersweet, isn't it? I was met at the airport on Monday by a crowd of precious friends and family.  It was such a joy to walk off that plane and be immediately showered with love and support.  There were even welcome home signs on the side of the roads leading up to my house...what sweet friends I have been blessed with!

I have been laying low this week, still trying to sort through many emotions, heartaches, joys, and the infamous jet lag.  I'm going to miss the country of China.  I'm going to miss the crazy, random things that happen on a daily basis.  I'm going to miss the crazy traffic, the funny smells, the split pants, the taxi drivers, having fried rice at my fingertips at all times, and yes, even the squatty potties.  But these things won't keep me awake at night.  But thinking about Jessica, Jaelynn, Joseph, Jay-Ar, Naomi, Claire, Dreena, Judah, Fahlin, Kirby, Issac, Zane...the precious little ones who I left in China...thinking of these little treasures will keep me in a state of brokenness.  I am so happy to be home, but there is a constant ache in my heart when their faces flash across my mind.  I so badly want to tell myself, "It's all going to be okay."  And one day it will.  One day when we reach those pearly gates.  One day when we are finally home.  One day when we meet our King face to face in Paradise...One day it will all be okay.  But that day has not come yet.  And the reality of today is that I left these children in the same place that I found them.  Yes, they have been showered with a few more kisses and perhaps they have been rocked to sleep a couple more times...but they are still orphans.  And as much as I abhor that truth, it's undeniable.

  I am fervently praying against the paralyzing feeling of helplessness that's banging against the doors of my heart.  A new season has begun...a season not of holding them, but of praying fervently.  A season not of whispering sweet words in their ears, but of shouting from the rooftops on their behalf.  A season not of singing silly songs, but of crying real tears of brokenness and rallying others to join in the song.  A season of learning more, fighting harder, and advocating louder.  A season of continuing to speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves.  A season of looking for more ways to be involved here (trust me, the United States is filled with orphans..."foster care children" just sounds more polite).  And the very same Jesus who led me to the far side of the sea will continue to lead, guide, discipline me here.  Praise Him who never changes!

Thank you, sweet warriors, for following my journey.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you and humbled by your prayers and support.  I could not have made this journey without your prayers, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You are priceless.

From my earthly home,
 Abby

Having the reality of God's presence is not dependent on our being in a particular circumstance or place, but is only dependent on our determination to keep the Lord before us continually.

-Oswald Chambers

Pre-departure thoughts

Four days until I'm on my way back to 美国。I can hardly believe it.

I'm trying to savor every moment.  I'm kissing all the precious faces I can, singing "Jesus loves me" thousands of times, rocking sleeping treasures and watching their tiny faces as they dream, all the while trying to hold back the tears.  So many emotions are pulsing through my heart.  Bottom line: leaving is hard because it forces me to trust Him more.  You see, when I'm here...I know they're being kissed and hugged and sung to.  I see it with my own eyes.  I hear their laughter with my own ears.  I touch them with my own hands and hold them in my own arms.  But when I'm gone...I have to trust.  I have to trust that He loves them more than I will ever be capable of loving.  He holds them when no one else is around.  He sings them to sleep each and every night.  He hears every giggle, He knows every distinct cry, He watches every first wobbly step (while beaming from ear to ear, I'm sure). He is the Father to the fatherless...and He means that literally.  And He does.not.need.me.  What a relief!

I'm so thankful that I'm leaving them here at  Maria's where they are surrounded by people who love Him (and them).  I know they will still be showered with kisses and love and they will steal tons more hearts after I leave.  I'm just a little sad that I'll be missing those kisses!  I'm going to miss the morning hugs.  I'm really going to miss the night time play sessions (when they should be in bed).  I'm going to miss the chaos of 4th of July parades and fashion shows (with 140 special needs kiddos). I'm going to miss holding Joseph for his afternoon nap.  I'm going to miss singing 祝你生日快乐"Happy Birthday to you" over and over and over with Jessica, Judah, and Fahlin...when its no one's birthday. I'm going to miss China.  This crazy, lovely country that has stolen my heart.

With that being said, I'm also ecstatic to go home. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could spend 6 months so far away.  (I know in the grand scheme of things 6 months isn't that long...but to my home-lovin' heart it sure is!)  I can't wait to step off that plane and see familiar faces waiting for me! I can't wait to sleep in my own bed and wake up and drink coffee with my parents.  I can't wait to eat some chic-fil-a and have lots of ice in my diet coke. I'm excited to sit with friends and talk for hours.  I'm excited to get back to Berry and reunite with precious sisters and brothers.  Its going to be good.  Leaving is hard, but I'm so thankful that I have a sweet place to go home to.  Right now all I can think about is the fact that my babies here don't have that.

I appreciate your prayers and support, sweet warriors! All your encouraging emails and comments really do mean the world to me! Please pray for me these next four days.  But more than that, please pray for these little treasures.  Please join me in fighting for them. 

Balloons

 Doesn't every child deserve a room filled with balloons...just for the fun of it?

 We think so too!

Just a mom?

Ever since I was a little girl, I've been fascinated by children.  I was that annoying little 7-year old who would follow around the mom with a baby relentlessly asking, "Can I hold him now please?" I was mothering other kids before I was even out of diapers myself.  If there was a baby in the building, little Abby was glued to its side. (not much has changed...).  My Granddaddy used to tease me that my birthday parties looked more like baby showers than little girl parties.  Folks, we even had to pack an extra little suitcase on our family vacation when I was in third grade...the extra suitcase belonged to by baby doll (who was, in fact, a real baby, thank you very much!).

Me as a 3 year old with all my children. 8 kids and counting!

I feel like God planted a mother's heart deep within my soul while He was still knitting my together in my mother's womb.  Its just always been a part of who I am.  As I enter into my senior year of college, I'm often asked, "So, what do you want to do after college?  What are your career goals?  What's next?"  And as I spelled out in my last post, I have no idea what the future holds and I only pray that my wayward heart will be obedient to His tender voice. I don't know where I'll be this time next year or what I'll be doing.  But, the desire of my heart as a little girl still rings true today:  I really just want to be a mom when I grow up.

I went through a brief period where I was a little embarrassed to tell people that I just wanted to be a mom.  People would say, "Oh, I know that...but like, what do you want to do?" And I would repeat, "Well,  uh, I want to be a mom...really."  I don't really appreciate the phrase, "Just a mom."  To me, this implies that being "just a mom" is something a person reverts to when other avenues fail.  That greater things are expected of most people but then there are some who never achieve greater things...so they're labeled "just moms".  Let me say...I am so so so so thankful for the "just moms" to have raised and molded Godly warriors for my King--warriors who have changed the world because their "just mom" took the time and energy to selflessly pour herself into their lives teaching them and (more importantly) showing them how to love God and love people.  I have a whole lot of respect for all you "just moms" out there. 

You know, behind a lot (not all, but a lot) of godly warriors stands a godly mama.  A mama who spends hours on her knees on behalf of her children.  A mama who labors continuously sowing the seeds of salvation in their tender hearts. A mama who "salts the oats" in order to make His Word as desirable as possible so that her children will find themselves hungering and thirsting after it.  A mama who hums songs about her Savior while she's cooking supper.  A mama who sets an example of forgiveness, love, and humility.  A mama who serves others and gives her children opportunities to do the same.   It seems to me that God often uses a Godly mama to shape the hearts or future warriors.

I don't know what the future holds.  And I will count it my greatest joy if God allows me to be an actual mother.  But you know what?  I am also comforted and excited to know that even if I never have physical children on this earth, each and every day, I have the glorious opportunity to sow seeds and salt oats for as many spiritual "children" as I can.  And I pray to live my life in such a way, that on that glorious day when we are all gathered at the throne, I will be surrounded by children.  Children from all nations, tribes, and social statuses who I've had the privilege of introducing to my Father.  And together we will rejoice together as we sing, "Holy, Holy, Holy is He".

So just in case anyone was wondering...  I am a twenty-year old college kid.  And I want to be a mom when I grow up. A 15-passenger van literally is my dream car.  I want to raise a mob of God-fearing kiddos.  I want to send out a band of mighty warriors.  And I want to see the world be changed.

P.S- Just a side note...my "mother's heart" breaks every single day living in this house of 140 precious children who do not have "just a mom" or "just a dad" for that matter.  I live in a house of 140 potential warriors--and they need brave mommies and daddies and take them under their wings and prepare them for battle.  Any takers?