The Small Things

The Lord is my Shepherd;

I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

Psalm  23:1-2

As I sit down to write this post, tears are brimming in my eyes.  I'm not even sure why--pure thankfulness, I guess.  I look back over the verse I just typed with fresh awe.  Awe that is granted by God Himself.  The Lord God Almighty, Yahweh is my Shepherd.  He provides for all my needs.  In Him, I have every good thing.  He alone gives me rest.  He is the Giver of good things.  Oh the sweetness of His Presence! Sweeter than honey to my lips, indeed.  Friends, being surrounded by the precious babies here is amazing.  It is a miraculous gift every single day.  But even the greatest of earthly gifts does not and will never compare to the gift of Himself.  His Presence. His Word. His thoughts.  His nearness. Who am I, that He would choose to be near to me?  But He has chosen to be near to us all.

A few of the foreign staff members here at Maria's have been doing a weekly study on grace.  The first week, the author of the study challenged the readers to learn the art of noticing.  Noticing that His grace surrounds us every single moment of every single day.  Did you wake up this morning?  His grace.  Is your heart still beating at this moment?  His grace.  Do the birds of the air have food today?  His grace.  I read a quote by Oswald Chambers that I then wrote on the little dry erase frame beside my bed.  It says:

What makes God so dear to us is not so much the big blessings, but the tiny things.  Because they show us His amazing intimacy with us.  He knows every detail of each of our individual lives.

I want to notice Jesus in the small things.  I asked myself, "What would happen if I take a moment and slow down?  What if I ask Jesus to reveal Himself to me in every single thing I do?" I pray to begin doing just that. If any of you know me, you know that I absolutely love sprinkles.  I would put sprinkles on everything if I could.  Not because they taste good, or because they really add anything to the food...but because they just make you happy! They are not necessary, but they sure are a blessing when they are present (please don't tell me if you don't agree!).  I carry a little notebook around in my purse, affectionately called my "China Notebook", original name, I know.  In this notebook, I write the names of food I need to remember, I write down the names of people, phone numbers, addresses, and how to say certain phrases in Chinese (example of a conversation I recently memorized for future use: Abby to taxi driver- "Sir, you went the long way so that we'd pay more money.  I understand that you are ripping me off.  I will give you the money, but this is not good").  Well, my notebook now has a new page entitled "His Grace".  This is where I'm recording His sprinkles.  The precious moments that my King grants me, simply for my enjoyment.  The little things He does that remind me that He is near.  The things that wouldn't make my life terrible if they were missing, but they sure are a blessing when they are present.  I want to share this week's list:

Holding a sleeping baby

Warm coffee and a quiet place to meet Him

Feeling "normal"- health

Inside jokes

Nicknames

Hot Showers

Hearing children sing worship songs

A hammock and a warm day

Clean laundry

A new journal

The crunch of a crisp apple

Hugs from kids who are big enough to wrap their legs all the way around you

The amazing thing is that behind each of these sprinkles is a story.  A story of His nearness.  May we be inclined to see and believe. He is everywhere and intricately involved in each detail of our lives.  The other amazing things is that this list will change over time because He gives grace for each moment and each season.  His grace is personalized to every individual need.  And He alone knows what I need.   Friends, do you have a list? I encourage to begin your sprinkle list soon.  :)

We're goin' to the ZOO, ZOO, ZOO!

I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.  But if you can't tell...we went to the ZOO!!

Believe

It has been a long, hard week on this side of the sea.  There have been really high moments, filled with smiles and belly laughter.  There have been really low moments, filled with bitter tears and grieving hearts.  But I take heart in knowing that He is the same. He is my Solid Rock, and upon Him I stand.  I am thankful that He can handle my questions, my doubts, and even my anger.  I am thankful that He gives me liberty to wrestle with hard things.  And my only prayer is that at the end of each day, I find myself at the foot of the Cross.  I pray that my heart can be content with leaving some things a mystery while still trusting the One is sovereign over all.  Its a privilege to grapple with things that are at the center of His heart...even when it just plain hurts.  I want to know Him and that means knowing Him when it isn't comfortable, easy, or painless.  I want to know Him. Period.

Yesterday as I was grieving before Him, He gave me the sweetest revelation of His heart for those who are suffering.  He reminded me that Jesus was victim of the greatest injustice of all time.  He understands pain so deep.  He was agonized in every way.  Physically he was beaten and tortured beyond recognition.  Mentally, he was spat upon and mocked.  Emotionally, he was betrayed by every single person he knew.  If anyone, Jesus knows what it feels like to be abandoned.  He wept bitter tears that accompany a broken heart.  Droplets of blood gathered on His  brow and fell from his quivering chin as he begged for intervention.

Surely then, He is near to these suffering children.  Surely He feels their pain in a way that I never can. Perhaps they have something I don't have--not in spite of their suffering, but because of their suffering.  Perhaps they are capable of knowing Him in a deeper, more intimate way than my doubting heart can ever understand. 

What if they know something I don't?  What if they see Him when I can't?  What if they know He's there even when I doubt?  What if, just what if, they sleep through the night without a peep not because they have been trained to do so, but because they're being held by everlasting arms?  What if each time they smile for no reason, its not because their brain is damaged, but because they're seeing angels?  What if they're silently begging me to believe that He is good.  Oh Lord, save me from my unbelief!

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

 I choose to take Him at his word and believe that He is near to his children.  The Creator takes great delight in His masterpieces. 

 

Wrestling

Wrestling.

That's where I'm at.  Wrestling with questions that will never be answered this side of heaven.  Wrestling and unsure of how to process it all.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling.  But I feel something.

One of our precious ones went to be with Jesus last night.  I had just been with her yesterday evening, playing with the other children in the room.  I had no idea she was so close to meeting Him.  I am somewhat relieved for her sake.  She is being snuggled by the King of the universe.  She is no longer in pain, she is no longer an orphan, she no longer a victim of injustice.  She is face to face with the One who made her and knows her fully.  I am so thankful that she entered into eternity in a place where she was clothed, fed, and loved.  But my heart is still aching, my blood is pulsing and I want to scream, "How is this good?"

I just happened to be standing in the lobby this morning when her little body was being carried out.  She was wrapped in a sweet blanket and held with care.  She was whisked away while we stood back and watched.  There were no tears.  Life didn't stop.  There will be no funeral.  No flowers.  No memorial service.  No casseroles.  No family.  No sympathy cards.  Her little life could easily go unnoticed by...everyone.

 Doesn't every single human being deserve to be grieved for?  Doesn't she deserve my tears? Wasn't her life worth something? Because she was here, she will be missed.  She will be talked about and grieved for.  But I can't help but think of the millions of people and children that she represents.  The millions who will never having the luxury of having a tear shed on their behalf.  She will be missed, yes...but in a few days, another child will come and fill her place.  That's just how it works. 

Its days like these when all I can do is look toward Heaven and cry, "Why? Why? Why? Why are some chosen to be the recipients of injustice?  Why do some suffer so greatly?" I wrestle with knowing in my head that He has not forgotten them, but some days I certainly don't feel it in my heart. 

I am studying Genesis and He perfectly ordained this week's lessons for my wrestling heart.  Genesis 16 tells the story of Sarai and Hagar.  Hagar was forced to bear Abraham a child, but she was reprimanded and shunned when she obeyed.  Then the angel of the Lord found her in the wilderness and He ministered to her there.  After their encounter, Hagar gave God a new name "El Roi" which means "the God who sees" and then she proclaims, "Truly I have seen him who looks after me."

We serve El Roi, the God who sees.  And I have to cling to the truth that He not only sees every child here, but he pursues them and fights for them.  He loves them with an everlasting love.  He has not forgotten them, but He is especially near to them.  He catches every single tear that falls from their sweet little faces.  He is near to the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  And I choose to believe that when our sweet little girl was ushered into eternity, she was greeted by a hallelujah chorus. She is now in a place where she need not be grieved over, for grieving does not exist.

Oh glorious day.

My Life in 中 国

I've been at my new home for 2 weeks now.  Some days it seems like I've been here two months (in a good way!).  I'm definitely feeling settled in now.  Life is starting to tick at a somewhat "normal" pace and I'm finding that being back is just as wonderful as I've been dreaming it would be.  This week, I officially started my "schedule".  That's a really funny term here...because things rarely go according to schedule.  Just when you sit down for your office hours, the power goes out...or your Chinese teacher gets sick when you're supposed to be in class..or you take a last minute trip to another city to wish a fellow worker happy birthday...or the road in front of your house is completely demolished and you can't get out (or in, for that matter)....or you end up spending three hours in one baby nursery because the kids are so stinkin' cute that you just can't escape! All of those things have happened this week....and its these things that make me realize that my plans can wait.  I'm happy to be back in this land of unpredictability where learning to "go with the flow" is a must.  It helps me remember how not in control I am!

I figured I'd use this post to give you a glimpse of my life at the moment.  There's never a dull moment, that's for sure.

This is the precious welcoming crew I get to come home to each time I go out.  How could my heart not be smitten?

This is my room.  Rebecca had everything so homey and welcoming when I arrived.  Its a place where I can walk in and take a deep breath at the end of each day.  I am so thankful for this haven.

This is where I go each morning to meet my King.  I sit there in the cool of the morning with only the gentle rumble of China in the background.  It has become one of my favorite places in this entire building.  Maybe its because I'm seven stories high, but He just seems closer.

THIS is the warzone outside our house.  Its C-R-A-Z-Y!!! We have affectionately named it the Grand Canyon of China.  Some of these holes are big enough to swallow bulldozers...no joke.  The other day, they completely demolished the road that gets us in and out...so now, each time we go out we play a game called "is the road gonna be there"?  You just have to laugh.

These are pictures from my first outing this go-around.  We went out to karaoke to celebrate Jona's birthday! I had semi-forgotten what it feels like to be famous! :)

On Tuesday, we (all 17 of us) traveled to another city to celebrate Heidi's birthday! It was a fun day filled with Western food, cake, and lots of laughter!

This is Luoyang's local drink called HAPPY! Isn't that fun?

In other news, I'm learning to sew!!! Mariah is so sweet to take on this huge feat.  I can't do ANYTHING in a straight line.  So I don't know what made me think I'd be able to sew in a straight line! But she has been so gracious and patient to guide me through the learning process.  This is our first project together...pillow case dresses for the Martin girls!

 This is a yummy meal we went out to last night.  That thing in the upper right hand corner of the dish...that's a chicken foot :)

And this one is just for fun :) Oh China!

And of course, the babies are the loves of my life and the joy of my days.  I am so thankful to be here, in their world and part of their daily lives.

Thank you so much for your prayers, encouraging emails, and love...it means more than you will ever know!  Until next time,

-Ke Xiao Ai

The "other side" of the orphan

I was cuddling a small baby the other day.  Most of the kids in this particular nursery were taking their afternoon nap, so the room was quiet except for the hushed chatter of the nannies and the precious sound of little ones dreaming.  The little guy I was holding is about three months old.  He has the tiniest, most perfectly formed face.  His features are dainty and distinct.  Every breath he takes is a miracle.

As I sat staring at this beautiful creation, I began feeling overwhelming "mothering" instincts.  That may sound silly, but I began to feel a great sense of love and a need to protect this innocent life lying helplessly in my arms.  But in that moment, I couldn't help but think about the mother who is sitting somewhere without a baby in her arms.

I wonder if she's old or young.  I wonder if she has other children.  I wonder, is she thinking about him?  Are her arms aching to hold him?  Does she wonder where he's at or if he's even alive? Does she miss him so badly that her body literally aches?  Does she think of him every time she sees a small child?  Does she hear his cry during the night, only to wake up and remember he's not there?  I wonder what kind of pain and heartache this woman has endured during her lifetime that made her decide that leaving her child was the only means of survival? Will she ever feel whole again? How could she?

I don't know the answers to these questions.  But what I did realize is that this child sleeping in my arms represents two hurting people.  One hurting because he was abandoned, one hurting because she was forced to abandon.  One who is too young to remember, one who will never forget.  This little guy will not remember his birth mother, and prayerfully one day he will know the love of a mother and a father this side of heaven.  Prayerfully, he will not remember what it feels like to be without a family.

But she will never forget.  There will never be a day that she does not think about her baby and her choice.  There will never be a day that she doesn't wonder. 

May I never forget that behind every child is a story.  And every story is evidence that we live in a sad and broken world.  Hurting people are everywhere.  But even in this sad and broken world, there is hope.

And this hope is why we keep singing.  And this hope is why we keep moving forward.  And this hope is why we do what we do.

May our hearts be broken when His is broken... but may we never lose hope...and may we never stop running towards the Giver of hope.