Wrestling

Wrestling.

That's where I'm at.  Wrestling with questions that will never be answered this side of heaven.  Wrestling and unsure of how to process it all.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling.  But I feel something.

One of our precious ones went to be with Jesus last night.  I had just been with her yesterday evening, playing with the other children in the room.  I had no idea she was so close to meeting Him.  I am somewhat relieved for her sake.  She is being snuggled by the King of the universe.  She is no longer in pain, she is no longer an orphan, she no longer a victim of injustice.  She is face to face with the One who made her and knows her fully.  I am so thankful that she entered into eternity in a place where she was clothed, fed, and loved.  But my heart is still aching, my blood is pulsing and I want to scream, "How is this good?"

I just happened to be standing in the lobby this morning when her little body was being carried out.  She was wrapped in a sweet blanket and held with care.  She was whisked away while we stood back and watched.  There were no tears.  Life didn't stop.  There will be no funeral.  No flowers.  No memorial service.  No casseroles.  No family.  No sympathy cards.  Her little life could easily go unnoticed by...everyone.

 Doesn't every single human being deserve to be grieved for?  Doesn't she deserve my tears? Wasn't her life worth something? Because she was here, she will be missed.  She will be talked about and grieved for.  But I can't help but think of the millions of people and children that she represents.  The millions who will never having the luxury of having a tear shed on their behalf.  She will be missed, yes...but in a few days, another child will come and fill her place.  That's just how it works. 

Its days like these when all I can do is look toward Heaven and cry, "Why? Why? Why? Why are some chosen to be the recipients of injustice?  Why do some suffer so greatly?" I wrestle with knowing in my head that He has not forgotten them, but some days I certainly don't feel it in my heart. 

I am studying Genesis and He perfectly ordained this week's lessons for my wrestling heart.  Genesis 16 tells the story of Sarai and Hagar.  Hagar was forced to bear Abraham a child, but she was reprimanded and shunned when she obeyed.  Then the angel of the Lord found her in the wilderness and He ministered to her there.  After their encounter, Hagar gave God a new name "El Roi" which means "the God who sees" and then she proclaims, "Truly I have seen him who looks after me."

We serve El Roi, the God who sees.  And I have to cling to the truth that He not only sees every child here, but he pursues them and fights for them.  He loves them with an everlasting love.  He has not forgotten them, but He is especially near to them.  He catches every single tear that falls from their sweet little faces.  He is near to the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  And I choose to believe that when our sweet little girl was ushered into eternity, she was greeted by a hallelujah chorus. She is now in a place where she need not be grieved over, for grieving does not exist.

Oh glorious day.