To The Far Side Of The Sea

I'm not sure what to title this post.  "Crazy Emotions All Over the Place" maybe? Or "The Life of a Doubter...Saved by Grace"?  The truth is, I am a girl who doubts.  Even when the faithfulness of my God is so clear before me that it could slap me in the face.  Still, I continue to doubt.  I continue to worry.  I continue to be afraid.  I continue to long for the past and I continue to fear the future.  Even though He has proven Himself over.and.over.and.over.and.over.again.  Oh me of little faith!!

This week, Rebecca and I decided to take a little trip to Chengdu.  This city holds many, many memories for me.  For those of you who followed my journey last year, you remember that this is the city where I spent four months studying Chinese at the local university.  You might also remember that those were some of the longest, hardest months of my entire life.  It was raw and real and Jesus was so close.  But it was hard.  It was here that I cried more bitter tears than ever before.  It was here that I reached the depths of loneliness and found that He was there waiting for me.  Walking through the streets of this city the past few days has been surreal.  I have been re-experiencing some of the feelings that I felt before--the joy, the adventure, the sadness, the uneasiness, the excitement.  But something is missing--the precious people.  Most of my friends that were here last year have moved on.  With the exception of two local friends, I don't know anyone here anymore.  I realizing that place apart from the people is just a place.  What made Chengdu so special and unique was experiencing it with the people He handpicked to be here.  I'm realizing that Jesus dwells in people, not places.  That reminder brings much joy, peace, and healing to my heart. Being here is such a reminder of His faithfulness.  He brought me out of that difficult time and has allowed me to return with shouts of joy.  He is good.  Its good to be here and to relive the memories...and its also good to move on. 

I have a hard time with change.  I have a hard time moving on.  I really struggle with longing for the past and fearing the future.  I have yet to learn how to live in the moment.  Right now, I find myself longing for college and for what I left behind in the last season of life.  I find myself longing to be living in a dorm with all my closest friends.  I find myself embellishing the memories and making them seem "larger than life" when in reality, I know those days were certainly not fairy tales either.  I also find myself feeling anxious about the next steps that I will be taking, some of which are still uncertain. 

Oh me of little faith.  He is faithful to remind me that I am not guaranteed tomorrow and I cannot go back to yesterday.  He has given me this day.  And it is precious. It is the only one of its kind.  And you know what?  He has not changed.  Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.   In Him there is no variation or shadow due to change.  No matter what yesterday held and no matter what tomorrow brings.  He is the same.

And in that, we can all rejoice.

This is the day that the Lord has made

I will rejoice and be glad in it!