Why China? Part Two

So there I was, wrestling the the realization that God may never take me back to China. . .and that's okay.  I turned my faced toward Heaven and I said, "Okay, Daddy...here I am."  There is nothing sweeter than the moment of surrender.  The offering up of my dreams, my ambitions and my goals and saying "I forfeit it all, I just want Jesus."
Over the next few months, the fleeting thought of studying abroad was a distant memory.  But somehow, the Lord brought it to the fore front of my mind.  I knew this was something I never wanted to do, but what's the harm in looking at a few websites? And as always, my Jesus had greater plans.   His ways are so much higher than mine! (Isaiah 55:9).  Well, my heart began warming up to the idea of studying abroad and I decided to at least go talk to the study abroad director.  I prayed before I went into the meeting that I would come out knowing that either this was not for me, or that I would feel a twinge of excitement.  Excitement won.  Somehow, in the deepest parts of my soul...there was an ounce of jittery excitement.  The SA director encouraged me to go ahead and apply for a scholarship just to see what happened.  So, I filled out the application and wrote my little essay explaining exactly why I was interested in studying in China.  Then I waited.  Every day, I went back and forth.  One day, I would tell myself, "Studying abroad will be fun and exciting...after all, 5 months isn't that long!"  Two days later, I would have a self-intervention and tell myself that this is the craziest idea I've ever had that there's no way on earth I'm going to China for 5 months to study. Some days, I don't even love college in America, why would I love it in China?!
    Oh March 1st, I made a list of prayer requests in my journal.  I committed to wrestling in prayer every day for one month and believing that I'd see God work.  One of the things on my list said "Confirmation about studying abroad."  I just needed to know.  I prayed and prayed.  Finally, on March 30th I received an email that informed me that I'd received a $5000 scholarship to study abroad.  This is the biggest scholarship offered to SA students...and it was mine.  I fell to my knees trying to breathe in between the waves of sobs.  And these were not joyful tears, might I add.  I kept saying, "I changed my mind, Jesus! I don't want to go, I don't want to go!!" All of the sudden, everything I'd been praying about became reality.  God was making himself very clear. And I was scared. All I knew to do was to pray for courage and to ask God to change my heart.  Over the next few days, sweet Jesus gave me two verses that have been my comfort throughout this whole process:
Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from your Presence?  If I go up to the Heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Psalm 139: 7-10. 
If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. 2 Corinthians 11:30
I was definitely weak. I am still weak.  Honestly, this is the hardest thing I've ever walked through faith-wise.  Many fear-filled tears have fallen from my face since March.  I am a home body.  I struggle with homesickness.  I'm a mama's girl.  I'm not really adventurous.  I don't like change.  I don't speak Chinese. New circumstances scare me.  I am so weak.  But I know the God of the Universe.  That's enough.

A few weeks later, I attended a little ceremony where I received my scholarship.  All the other scholarship recipients were so excited and happy.  I was literally shaking in my socks and trying to hold back tears.  After the ceremony, one of my professors came up to me and said, "Abby, I just want you to  know that when the scholarship committee met to decide on the award recipients, it was unanimous that you received this scholarship." Wow.  God's plans are bigger than mine.

Since March, God has continued to blow me away.  I thought I was going to China just to study. I was very unsure why God wanted me to go just to study, but I'm learning not to question His ways.  He knows me intimately, and every desire that lies deep within the crevices of my heart...He knows. He knows that I long to work with orphans.  He knows that my goal is the the Gospel.  And He is faithful.  I had the amazing opportunity to intern at Show Hope this past summer in Tennessee.  At the end of the summer. God opened another big door.  He is allowing me to spend next summer at Maria's Big House of Hope .  I will live in China in this wonderful facility surrounded by 150 precious, adorable treasured children.  Are you serious?  This is my dream come true. He knows.  He knew.  He asks us to be obedient one step at a time.  When I committed to studying abroad, I had no earthly idea that this could be a possibility.  He knew.  Could He be any sweeter?

I might not ever go back to China after this journey.  Who knows.  God placed a tiny desire in my heart five years ago and He is faithful to complete what He starts.  Am I afraid? Yes.  Am I nervous? Yes.  Am I hopeful? A million times yes.  He is faithful, my friends.  Oh so faithful!

Oh Christ, He is the fountain, 

The deep, sweet well of love!

The streams on earth I've tasted

More deep I'll drink above!

There to an ocean fullness

His mercy doth expand,

And glory, glory dwelleth

In Immanuel's Land.

-Samuel Rutherford

Why China? Part One

I figure before I share any deep, philosophical thoughts about life, I should probably fill you in about why I'm going to China in the first place.  Be warned, this post has the potential to become lengthy. 

God first starting placing China on my heart when I was probably in the 11th grade.  I honestly have no idea where it came from, but all of the sudden I found myself becoming fascinated with Asian culture, people, and specifically...orphans.  The Lord was so sweet to place people and circumstances in my path that further shaped my passion for Chinese orphans.

Fast forward three years.  During my freshman year of college, I felt the irrepressible tug that this was the summer I was going to finally go to China.  I prayed and prayed and no opportunities came up.  But I couldn't shake the feeling that I was going...somehow, some way.  I'll never forget February 13 2009, when I received the email informing me that Show Hope was taking a group of young people to China for two weeks. I knew immediately...this was it.  I filled out my application as fast as possible and before I knew it, I was on a plane with 20 complete strangers (who soon became dear friends) and we were headed to China.  Tears filled my eyes when our plane touched down in Beijing.  Oh, my Jesus is so faithful.  He always completes what he starts.  Those two weeks were breathtaking.  Those of you who traveled with me in prayer...thank you.  I will never forget the first time I held an orphan in my arms.  It's one thing to talk about the 147 million orphans in the world.  It's another thing to hold one in your arms, to touch their tiny hands, to hear their little giggles.  I saw Jesus like never before, and I'll never be the same.

When I got home from China, my life was a whirlwind.  I moved back to college two days after I got home (wasn't even over the jet lag yet!).  I was an emotional wreck.  I had to go back.  I didn't care how...I just knew I had to get back.  The next few months were filled with my trying every possible avenue I could think of in order to get back to China.  I enrolled in a Chinese language course at a nearby college (my college doesn't offer Chinese) and promised myself I'd be back in China in a few months.  Well, strangely enough, every opportunity fell through.  I was so frustrated! "God, don't you want me to go back to China?" During that time, my advisor suggested that I look into studying abroad.  Nope. Never. Not me. One thing I've learned....  Don't ever say to yourself, "God would never tell me to do that"...He does. He might. He did! As I look back, I am again in awe of God's faithfulness.  You see, I had allowed China to become my goal.  I had fixed my eyes upon China and decided that I would not be satisfied until I went back.  This.is.sin.  God has placed a desire in my heart for China, yes.  But China is not my goal.  Orphan care is not my goal.  Jesus Christ is my goal.  Period.  When I allow a particular place or a cause to become my focus...then all of the sudden, Jesus becomes a means to an end. This.is.sin. Jesus is the end.  If my eyes are fixed on a place, on a thing, on a person, on a relationship (even if these are GOOD things), but not on JESUS...this.is.sin.  Jesus humbled me.  He said to me, "Sweet Child, I WANT TO BE YOUR GOAL. I want to be your beginning.  I want to be your end.  I want to go before you.  I want to follow you.  I want to hem you in.  I want to consume you. Please... follow me"  So, whether that means following Jesus to Georgia, Florida, Tennessee, Africa, Peru, or...China...Jesus is the focus.  When our eyes are fixed on Jesus, all other things can and will fall into place from there.

I'm ending this post here.  I will finish the story next time.  I just need to allow these words to sink into my heart again.  Jesus has been so sweet to fulfill the deepest desire of my heart by allowing me to go back to China. Not because I deserve it. Not because I have it all together.  Not because He needs me.  But because He loves me. And He allows me to be part of His incredible journey.  Could He be any sweeter? I don't think so.

Here it goes!

I've always said I would never be a blogger.  Now, I love reading other people's blogs (and probably spend too much time doing it!).  But, I just never thought I'd have anything to say that would really be worth reading.  However, I guess I've had a change of heart as February inches closer and closer and I realize that I'm about to move to China for six months. . . and I need your prayers! I covet your prayers as I embark on this journey.  My heart beats fast when I think about it. Some days I'm so excited that I could squeal. . . some days I'm so afraid that I feel like I could tremble forever.  Some days (most days) I'm so torn between the two that I really don't know how to feel!

I've toyed with the idea of starting a blog for a few months now, but I've been hesitant for a few reasons. Obviously I've decided to move forward.  I've been thinking and praying, and the deepest desires of my heart for this blog is to accomplish a few things.  First of all, I do not in any way, shape or form want this blog to be about Abby.  Seriously, if that's all its about then we all might as well go ahead and close out the screen.  I do not want this to be a place where I chronicle the happenings of my life in hopes of applause or pats on the back.  My only objective is that the glory of Jesus Christ may be revealed.  Reality is, I really have no idea what I'm doing...but I know my Jesus, and my only goal is to be obedient. Only by His sweet Grace!  Second, I don't want this to be a place where I try to pretend I'm perfect (hahahahahaha).  Sometimes when I'm writing, I try to even convince myself that I have it all together.  Not true one bit.  So, I want to be real. Vulnerable. Raw.  This is my life. This is my journey with Jesus.  And I want to invite you to come along! I want to be a living testimony that in my weakness, HE is strong.  Enough said.  Third, I want this blog to inspire others to take a leap of faith.  Whatever that may be...Our Jesus is so faithful, Oh He is so faithful! And when He sends us to the far side of the sea, EVEN THERE His hand will guide us and His right hand will hold us fast.  Hallelujah, what a sweet Savior we serve!  Fourth, I want this to be a place where I invite all my friends and family to literally travel with me in prayer.  My prayer warriors are JUST as much a part of this journey as I am.  I need  you.  And I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So, there you have it.  My first blog post ever! And I already have tons of ideas for my next post swirling around in my head.  Stay tuned, sweet friends!