Why China? Part Two

So there I was, wrestling the the realization that God may never take me back to China. . .and that's okay.  I turned my faced toward Heaven and I said, "Okay, Daddy...here I am."  There is nothing sweeter than the moment of surrender.  The offering up of my dreams, my ambitions and my goals and saying "I forfeit it all, I just want Jesus."
Over the next few months, the fleeting thought of studying abroad was a distant memory.  But somehow, the Lord brought it to the fore front of my mind.  I knew this was something I never wanted to do, but what's the harm in looking at a few websites? And as always, my Jesus had greater plans.   His ways are so much higher than mine! (Isaiah 55:9).  Well, my heart began warming up to the idea of studying abroad and I decided to at least go talk to the study abroad director.  I prayed before I went into the meeting that I would come out knowing that either this was not for me, or that I would feel a twinge of excitement.  Excitement won.  Somehow, in the deepest parts of my soul...there was an ounce of jittery excitement.  The SA director encouraged me to go ahead and apply for a scholarship just to see what happened.  So, I filled out the application and wrote my little essay explaining exactly why I was interested in studying in China.  Then I waited.  Every day, I went back and forth.  One day, I would tell myself, "Studying abroad will be fun and exciting...after all, 5 months isn't that long!"  Two days later, I would have a self-intervention and tell myself that this is the craziest idea I've ever had that there's no way on earth I'm going to China for 5 months to study. Some days, I don't even love college in America, why would I love it in China?!
    Oh March 1st, I made a list of prayer requests in my journal.  I committed to wrestling in prayer every day for one month and believing that I'd see God work.  One of the things on my list said "Confirmation about studying abroad."  I just needed to know.  I prayed and prayed.  Finally, on March 30th I received an email that informed me that I'd received a $5000 scholarship to study abroad.  This is the biggest scholarship offered to SA students...and it was mine.  I fell to my knees trying to breathe in between the waves of sobs.  And these were not joyful tears, might I add.  I kept saying, "I changed my mind, Jesus! I don't want to go, I don't want to go!!" All of the sudden, everything I'd been praying about became reality.  God was making himself very clear. And I was scared. All I knew to do was to pray for courage and to ask God to change my heart.  Over the next few days, sweet Jesus gave me two verses that have been my comfort throughout this whole process:
Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from your Presence?  If I go up to the Heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Psalm 139: 7-10. 
If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. 2 Corinthians 11:30
I was definitely weak. I am still weak.  Honestly, this is the hardest thing I've ever walked through faith-wise.  Many fear-filled tears have fallen from my face since March.  I am a home body.  I struggle with homesickness.  I'm a mama's girl.  I'm not really adventurous.  I don't like change.  I don't speak Chinese. New circumstances scare me.  I am so weak.  But I know the God of the Universe.  That's enough.

A few weeks later, I attended a little ceremony where I received my scholarship.  All the other scholarship recipients were so excited and happy.  I was literally shaking in my socks and trying to hold back tears.  After the ceremony, one of my professors came up to me and said, "Abby, I just want you to  know that when the scholarship committee met to decide on the award recipients, it was unanimous that you received this scholarship." Wow.  God's plans are bigger than mine.

Since March, God has continued to blow me away.  I thought I was going to China just to study. I was very unsure why God wanted me to go just to study, but I'm learning not to question His ways.  He knows me intimately, and every desire that lies deep within the crevices of my heart...He knows. He knows that I long to work with orphans.  He knows that my goal is the the Gospel.  And He is faithful.  I had the amazing opportunity to intern at Show Hope this past summer in Tennessee.  At the end of the summer. God opened another big door.  He is allowing me to spend next summer at Maria's Big House of Hope .  I will live in China in this wonderful facility surrounded by 150 precious, adorable treasured children.  Are you serious?  This is my dream come true. He knows.  He knew.  He asks us to be obedient one step at a time.  When I committed to studying abroad, I had no earthly idea that this could be a possibility.  He knew.  Could He be any sweeter?

I might not ever go back to China after this journey.  Who knows.  God placed a tiny desire in my heart five years ago and He is faithful to complete what He starts.  Am I afraid? Yes.  Am I nervous? Yes.  Am I hopeful? A million times yes.  He is faithful, my friends.  Oh so faithful!

Oh Christ, He is the fountain, 

The deep, sweet well of love!

The streams on earth I've tasted

More deep I'll drink above!

There to an ocean fullness

His mercy doth expand,

And glory, glory dwelleth

In Immanuel's Land.

-Samuel Rutherford