Every Detail

Anyone who spends any amount of time with me will soon find out that my sweet mommy is my best friend in the whole world.  I absolutely adore her.  She is one of the strongest women I know.  Jesus Christ radiates from her presence.  She literally lights up a room and brings a sense of calmness and peace to every situation.  If I can be half the woman my mother is, I'll applaud myself as having achieved a successful life.

Now, as you can probably guess, the prospect of leaving my precious mama and best friend for 6 whole months is ripping my heart out.  And even though both of us know that God has clearly called me to China and even though we both have His perfect peace...we're just flat out going to miss each other.  I've been away at college for over 2 years, but we still talk every single day (usually multiple times) and always text throughout the day.  Things are going to change when I move 7000 miles away.  It will be different--not better or worse, just different.  And I'm going to miss my best friend.

But God knew this was coming long before we did.  And He began making provisions before China was even a brief thought.  You see, leaving my mama makes me so sad not only because I'm going to miss her, but also because I hate knowing that she'll be lonely.  Don't get me wrong, my sweet Daddy is a great companion (Just in case he's reading this...hehe!).  But there's just something about that mother-daughter-best friend-girly bond that just isn't quite the same.  And this is where our sweet friend Linnie comes into the picture.

God strategically placed Linnie, her husband Lorne and their two precious kiddos in our lives about a year ago.  They have been such a blessing as we've grown closer over the year.  Linnie is wonderful.  She is one of the most giving, servant-hearted people I know.  I have watched her give of herself over and over, never expecting anything in return.  The sweetness of Jesus exudes from her at all times.  Linnie knows what loneliness feels like because she lost her mama at a very young age.  Many other people in her life have also passed away, leaving her alone. 
Perhaps you can see where this is headed.  But, to make a long story short...God has so sweetly orchestrated each and every detail of this relationship.  His bringing our two families together was not random or unplanned.  His timing and His ways are perfect and I couldn't have scripted a better story if I tried.  I am so proud to say that I have a new big sister.  My mama has another daughter.  I have a precious new nephew and niece.  And we couldn't be happier or more thankful.  You see, adoption isn't necessarily about bringing an orphaned child into your home.  The "Spirit of Adoption" that Paul talks about in Romans 8:15 reaches farther than typical adoption scenarios. Its the building of families within the Kingdom, and whether or not those families include legal paperwork matters not to God!  Its the same Spirit of adoption by which are privileged to call the King of the universe "Abba Father".  We are his children.  We are co-heirs with Christ.  And we are to model the spirit of adoption here on earth.  Its beautiful!

We serve a God of details.  He leaves not one stone unturned.  I can board that plane in 37 days with a light heart, knowing that my precious mommy has her other daughter, son-in-law, and grandbabies to keep her lots of company while I'm away.  She has someone to text 20 times a day.  She has someone to give her famous "mama hugs" to.  She has someone to buy little gifts for.   She'll still miss me, of course...but lonely?  Nahhh.  God has already stepped in to fill that void.  Do I feel like I'm being replaced? Not.in.the.least.  I say--the more the merrier!  I am just in awe of my amazing God who answers every single prayer with perfect precision.  Last April when I found out that I was for sure going to China, I called my mama sobbing (not with tears of happiness).  Mom just happened to be standing in Linnie's kitchen when I called, so Linnie was the first to be able to comfort and speak words of peace over my (our) mom.  Coincidence?  I do not serve a God of coincidences.  I serve a God of faithfulness. 

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba Father!"  The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

Romans 8:15-17

Adoption is God's idea! Our lives are so much more satisfying, fulfilling and just plain FUN when we model God's ideas--especially when we leave the details up to Him!

Comfort or the Comforter?

I am not really sure where to begin with this post.  I must choose my words carefully.  The words I'm going to write are not easy to hear, and they are not easy for me to write.  But they are necessary.  I want to be open about the harsh realities that God has been unwrapping in my life over the past few years, and He continues to do so even today.  And these realities are not only for me, but as believers, they are for us all.  Sometimes the truth hurts.

I love reading biographies of great heroes of the Christian faith.  Over the past few years I have enjoyed reading the breathtaking life stories of Corrie ten Boom, Amy Carmichael, Hudson Taylor, Oswald Chambers, and Jackie Pullenger (among many others).  Their stories always leave me feeling convicted, inspired, and encouraged...but also burdened.  Amy Carmichael encountered Jesus, hopped on a ship at age nineteen, and spent the rest of her life rescuing temple prostitutes and raising them as her own children.  Jackie Pullenger went by herself  into one of the most dangerous cities in all of China and became the hands and feet of Jesus, even allowing drug addicts and prostitutes to share her very bed.  Jim and Elisabeth Elliot moved to Ecuador to give their lives to a lost Indian tribe.  And give their lives they did. After Jim was murdered, Elisabeth returned to work among the very people who tortured and murdered her beloved husband.  The list could go on and on  This is Christianity. This is heroic.  This is the life of a Christian. To these people, Jesus was much more than a cool concept to consider.  Jesus was not simply a part of their lives...Jesus.was.their.life. They chose to be broken bread and poured out wine.  These chose the narrow path.  Their stories are beautiful.  They had what I so desperately want--total abandonment to the King of the universe.

And then I look around at our modern version of Christianity, and I wonder...Have we missed it?  Are we so caught up driving to our fancy church buildings in our fancy Sunday-morning clothes that we've totally missed the entire reason for our existence?  The bottom line is--I think we've been deceived.  For many of us, our lives are built around ourselves--our comfort, our happiness, our wants and desires.  How can Jesus make me happier? How can Jesus enhance my quality of life? How can I live a life of comfort and ease but make sure I don't go to hell?  We live just like the rest of the world (perhaps with slightly higher moral standards) and tack the name Jesus on the side.  We've bought the lie that following Jesus costs nothing.  This is not reality. True, Biblical, Life-altering Christianity cost Jesus Christ everything and it demands everything from us as well.  

In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.

Luke 14:33

 This verse makes my skin crawl.  It makes me thoroughly uncomfortable.  Everything. Really, Jesus? Everything? Can't I just hold on to _______?  And He says, "Yes, my Child, Everything.  Only when you are completely emptied of yourself can I fill you with all of Me." Its a complete trade.  He gets all of me, I get all of Him. He gets my family, my body, my mind, my education, my possessions, my time, my dreams--He gets it all. And I get Jesus.  I get abundant life.  I get peace that passes understanding, that even when my life is an absolute mess, somehow I'm okay.  I get joy that bubbles up from the depths of my very soul.  I get to wake up every morning knowing that I have a purpose.  I get the power to hold an orphan in my arms and whisper "Oh, how He loves you..." and have it mean something. I do not have to be afraid of death because I look forward to my glorious heavenly home. I am in love with the King of the Universe.  And its worth every sacrifice imaginable.

See, in modern Christian circles, we're really concerned about being comfortable.  We bend over backwards to make sure that our lives are filled with comfort and ease.  Oh, we're good people.  We go to church, we volunteer at the fall festival, and we even sponsor needy children.  We love Jesus, we do.  As long as loving Jesus does not jeopardize our little, familiar, comfortable lives.  And it's so easy to live like this.  Especially in the everyday, mundane tasks of life.  Its easy to let sin slip in little by little until we're drowned in a pool of shallow complacency.   It scares me.  It scares me because I am speaking to myself.  The truth is, I really like comfort. But the problem is, Jesus never once promised comfort.  He actually promised quite the opposite.  He says:

Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves..."

"I have not come to bring peace, but a sword..."

Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.  And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.  Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it"

Matthew 10: 16, 34, 37-39

These are the realities of the poured-life.  A life of radical abandonment to Jesus Christ is not without cost.  But take a look at these words, also from our Savior:

"So have no fear of them..."

Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul..."

"Whoever acknowledges me  before men, I will also acknowledge before my Father, who is in Heaven..."

Matthew 10: 26, 28, 32

"I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly."

We can choose comfort.  Or we can choose the Comforter.  We can choose the easy life.  Or we can choose to have the Spirit of the Living God dwelling in our very bodies.  We can choose treasure on earth.  Or we can choose a Heavenly paradise where "He will wipe away every rear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there by mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore..." (Rev. 21: 4).  Friends, we have a choice to make.

Let me clarify.  I.do.not.have.this.all.figured.out.  I wrestle with these truths daily as my flesh desperately tries to coddle itself.  As my sinful natures tries to convince my spirit that  my life would be much more enjoyable if I would cave and live a life of comfort.  And much of the time, I do cave.  But what I know is that Jesus is so much more than a comfortable Savior who we can sit on a shelf and forget about (until we need Him).  Jesus demands all and He gives all.  Ian Thomas once said,

"The Christian life can be explained only in terms of Jesus Christ, and if your life as a Christian can still be explained in terms of you--your personality, your willpower, your gift, your talent, your money, your courage, your scholarship, your dedication, your sacrifice, or your anything--then although you may have the Christian life, you are not yet living it."

The heroic Christians I mentioned above are not "special" Christians who just got lucky.  They were simply obedient.  They decided to take the Bible literally.  They decided that Jesus was reality.  And they won.  This is the life of being dead to self and alive to the glorious manifestation of Jesus Christ.  Its available to anyone who is willing to deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Jesus.  Its unpredictable.  Its hard.  Its painful.  Its beautiful.  Its fulfilling.  Its worth it.  

In light of the Bible we read, in light of the Jesus we've devoted our lives to, we cannot justify continuing living lives of mediocrity.  There are too many people who have never heard of Jesus.  There are too many babies without a mommy and daddy.  There are too many people dying without hope.  We have a choice to make.  We can choose comfort.  Or we can choose the Comforter.

"I refuse to spend the rest of my life in a pasture when there are so many fields to harvest.  I hope to die in harness."

-Corrie ten Boom

Goodbyes and Sprinkles

So I've officially decided...goodbyes hurt.  Saying goodbye (especially when you know its going to be for a long time) has a way of creeping into the very crevices of your soul and leaving a sharp pain.  I literally feel like I've had my heart ripped out of my chest a few times this week. I do not like saying goodbye.  I do not like change.  I do not like leaving the land of familiar and walking into a foreign territory.  It hurts.

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind.  I finally finished up finals last Wednesday and then began the incredible task of moving the copious amounts of STUFF out of my dorm room and down four flights of stairs (without an elevator, I might add!)  Thankfully, I had sweet friends that helped with the  process and provided some laughs along the way.  As I stood in the doorway of my empty dorm room on Saturday morning, I felt that familiar pain again. Am I the only one who gets emotional about telling a dorm room goodbye? I feel like I'm being absolutely ridiculous...but this is reality for me right now.  Emotions are high.  Even simple decisions like purchasing plane tickets are causing me to burst into tears.  It's weird. 

I keep reminding myself that moving to China is my dream come true. And it really is.  And I really am excited!  It's just these anxious weeks leading up to the departure that are getting to me! As always Jesus has been extra kind to me lately.  He is continually reminding me of His overflowing Love and faithfulness.  He has given me His words like:

I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

Psalm 34:4-5

But I will sing of your strength;  I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.  For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.

Psalm 59:16

And even in the midst of the goodbyes, I have felt his strength and peace like never before.  I had a sweet friend remind me of Acts 20, where Paul was leaving for Jerusalem.  Verses 36-38 say:

And when he had said these things, he knelt down and prayed with them all.  And there was much weeping on the part of all; they embraced Paul and kissed him, being sorrowful most of all because of the word he had spoken, that they would not see his face again.  And they accompanied him to the ship. 

This passage reminds me that human emotions are okay, as long as they do not hinder the mission. The mission must go on. Its our purpose.  Its why we live and breathe on this earth.  And although the tears are bitter and the emotions are fierce...the reward is oh.so.sweet.  Folks, we have the God of the Universe delighting in us and beckoning us to follow Him.  And I can take heart in knowing that every single emotion that is pulsing through my body right now...He has felt it.  And He is the only One equipped to comfort his children.

Now, about those sprinkles.  I read a book that had a story about sprinkles (I think the book is Set Apart Feminitity, which I HIGHLY recommend!) Anyway, the author told about how her son loved sprinkles on his ice cream.  And she started thinking.  Sprinkles really serve no purpose for the ice cream.  They don't taste.  They are actually annoyingly crunchy.  And the ice cream would not suffer if the sprinkles were absent.  But, for some reason, sprinkles make people happy.  She talked about how she wanted to leave sprinkles in the lives of other people.  Sprinkles are things like little notes, gifts, or kind words that are not really necessary...but they make people happy.  They brighten someone's day...just because.  Ever since I read that, I have been on the lookout for ways that I can leave sprinkles in the lives of people around me.  But I've also began to notice how Jesus deposits little sprinkles in my life on a daily basis.  Jesus has been showering me with lots of sprinkles as I've been preparing to leave.

One night a few weeks ago, I came back to my dorm room to find this lovely showering of...sticky notes.  But these are not just any sticky notes.  They are sticky notes filled with Scripture.

These precious friends knew that I'd been feeling down about leaving, and they knew of nothing better than the LIVING WORD to bring me comfort.  Oh and comfort they did bring!  Sprinkles...

This past Friday night, a friend asked me out to dinner for the last time.  When we arrived at the restaurant, 15ish of my girlfriends were waiting for me there.  I was so surprised!  And then, they presented me with a scrapbook filled with letters from each of them.  Letters of encouragement and wisdom for me to take to China with me.  I was so touched and overwhelmed.  Sprinkles...

Jesus has showered me with numerous sweet notes, talks, and gifts that I do not deserve. But I feel like its His little way of saying, "Dear Daughter, I am here.  I feel your anxiousness.  I see your fear.  And I am providing comfort.  Rest in me, Abby.  Rest in me.  Have I ever not been faithful?"

And the answer to that question is a big fat no.  Thank you, Jesus for godly friends who leave sprinkles of Your love in my life!

Bittersweet....

My time at Berry College is coming to an end.  All semester, I've been looking forward to classes finally being over, and now that its almost here, I'm just not sure how I feel about it.  We had our annual "Christmas in the Castles" party tonight where all the residents in the Ford dorms come out for homemade snacks (made by the wonderful RA staff that I have the privilege of being a part of), Christmas music and good ole fellowship.  After the party, the RA staff exchanged secret santa gifts...so fun! (RA means Resident Assistant if you aren't up on college lingo!)  But I couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadness.  Because after next week, I will no longer be an RA at Ford.  I will be packing up my room and moving out.  I've known this was coming all semester. . . but its still hard. 

I think the biggest thing that has hit me about my leaving in two weeks is the fact that life here will go on.  All my friends will come back next semester.  There will be fun gatherings, Bible studies, and late night pillow talks.  There will be study sessions, coffee breaks, and trips to Atlanta.  Life here will continue as normal...I just won't be a part of it.  Okay, so that may be a little over dramatic.  I know I'm coming back eventually.  I still have a whole year left at Berry after China...but right now, it feels so real.  I feel like I'm going to "miss out" on so much.  And in a way, I will.  But I have to keep asking myself "What really matters?"  All of those things that I mentioned are wonderful and are sweet blessings from Jesus.  But they are not the entirety of my life.  Those activities and relationships do not complete me.  Jesus does. 

It's really easy to say "Jesus is enough!"  I let those words roll off my tongue so flippantly.  I sing about it, I talk about it, and I even tell Jesus that He is enough for me.  But do I mean it? If everything else was stripped away from me, would Jesus still be enough?  If I found myself without friends, family, food, shelter, clothing...would Jesus still be enough?  If I was facing intense suffering, persecution and death...would Jesus still be enough?  Oh, how I long for the answer to that question to be a resounding "Yes!"  I want to be able to say without a shadow of doubt or hesitation, "Yes, Jesus is all I need."  So, even though today was hard...Even though my emotions are going haywire...Even though I kind of want to turn around and run the other way...I want to know that Jesus is enough.  He is, my friends, He is.  And if He has to take me to the far side of the sea to prove it to me...I say let's go. 

Whom have I in heaven but You?

And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail, 

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 73: 25-26