January 16, 2011
My Comforter,
Last night was hard. We watched a really sad movie about a dog. Well, that started the tears. I felt like they would never stop coming. Jesus, will this get easier? Will I really be able to handle this? Can I really move to China? I feel so weak. What am I saying? I am so weak. I keep thinking about the day we say good-bye at the airport. Oh Jesus, will I even be able to stand? I feel as if I will crumble under the weight of my sadness and fear. It's a good thing I can't back out now because I would seriously consider it. Packing up my car and heading back to Berry sounds so much better. Driving six hours definitely wins over flying fourteen. Staying in the land of familiar sounds so much more appealing than the great unknown. But if I stayed, I would be absolutely miserable. I would have to look my Precious Savior in the face and say, "I do not trust you. I will not follow you. You do not deserve my trust and dependence." Just writing those words makes my heart leap and scream, "No wait! I'll go! I'll go!" Because the truth is, Jesus, I will never be satisfied apart from you, my Beloved. No amount of friends, family, comforts, or familiarities can satisfy a longing soul. Only You. Only Jesus. And Jesus, I want to want you more than all these things. Help me and teach me to rest secure in You. Underneath are the everlasting arms--and they endure forever. I don't want to fear this journey. You go before me. You stay behind me. You hem me in on every side and I am safer going with Jesus than staying anywhere without You. Give me strength. Give me Your heart.
Some days, I really wish I was strong. I wish I was one of those people who loved travel and adventure. I wish moving across the world seemed like no big deal. I wish I wasn't so emotional and sentimental. I wish I didn't love home and familiar so much. Because the truth is, this is so hard for me. This journey is completely opposite of my personality. I am a homebody. I wouldn't even spend the night away from home until I was almost thirteen years old. I don't crave adventure and spontaneity. I am completely content with staying home curled up with a good book. And to be quite honest, moving to the other side of the world by myself is not something I have always dreamed of doing! I am so weak.Amen.
But Jesus called. And I must go. What other choice do I have? To live a life apart from Jesus is to be miserable. To live a life of disobedience and comfort is to live a life absent of true joy and satisfaction. I want to go with Jesus. Every day. Today I want to go with Jesus. Tomorrow I want to go with Jesus. And on Friday, February 4th, I want to go with Jesus. The emotions will be fierce. The hugs will be excruciating. The tears will be real. But I must go. He has called. He has beckoned. My Beloved is waiting on my obedience. What other choice do I have? For in Him alone is the fullness of joy and there is no good thing apart from Jesus.
Abby,
Rejoice in the relief of being fully understood. I know you inside and out. And I assure you that every feeling of fear and nervousness--I've felt it too. Feel My arms around you, My Child.
I love you with an everlasting Love,
Your Beloved Groom
The Eternal God is your Dwelling Place, and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27
