The Low Days

Yesterday was one of those days, dear ones.  A day where giving up seems like the best option.  A day where the tears will not cease to flow, despite the sunshine outside.  A day where the faithfulness of God seems like a theological concept rather than a reality.  At the time, these days seem like monstrous clouds looming overhead threatening to drown you at any moment with a flood of grief.  Its hard to know where to go or what to do.   Its in these moments when a tiny utterance for "help" almost seems like too much. 

Its at these moments where all we can do is crawl up in His lap and know that He is there.  Even when our hearts may not feel the imminent Presence.  In my darkest hour of pain and doubt and weeping, He is there and He is still God.  In my moments of ecstasy and celebration, He is there and He is still God.  Even when my lips question and my soul grows faint, He is there and He is still God.  And He alone can sustain a weary soul.

Yesterday was a breaking point.  I was questioning all I know to be true.  I was doubting my ability to move forward at all.  I felt paralyzed, like I could just give up. I felt like its just too hard and I don't have the ability, nor the will power to keep going.  It was an awful, terrible feeling and a scary place to be.  But necessary.

Why necessary?  Unless I continually come to the end of myself, the end of my ability to keep going, and to the end of all confidence in myself, then I can never experience the fullness of His Spirit's power enabling me to do what I feel is impossible.  My weakness is His springboard for infusing me with strength.  And then He Alone gets the glory...not Abby.  Praise be to Jesus--the lifter of my head, my Savior, Protector, Provider, and Most High King. 

May we not be afraid of following Him to our places of utter weakness.  And may be not be afraid of those moments of tears and despair.  For it is in these moments of tension, pain and confusion that He sometimes speaks most clearly.

"God can never make us into wine if we object to the fingers He chooses to use to crush us."

-Oswald Chambers

The Day Jerry Came to Class

For the past four months, I've had the precious privilege of attending MBH preschool.  It is such a joy to come to class each morning and hear excited voices and pitter pattering little feet coming down the hallways.  For these kiddos (and for the teachers!), preschool is the highlight of the day.  Its one more way to add a sense of normalcy to their not-so-normal lives (then again, what is normal anyways?).  My dear friend and preschool teacher, Rebecca is amazing.  I am blown away at how she can take kids from all different ages and developmental stages and engage them in learning.  They are learning the alphabet, numbers, colors, shapes, animals, insects, body parts, emotions...you name it.  The kids even take the liberty to correct us if we sing a song wrong or use the wrong sign language to say a certain word.  Each day, I feel like a proud parent, watching these little ones blossom and do more than anyone ever expected of them.

Yesterday, we had quite an eventful day in preschool.  It was the day Jerry came to class.  And by Jerry, I mean Jerry of Tom and Jerry...as in a mouse.  Yes, that's right.  We were in class, minding our own business and carrying along as usual when Mr. Jerry decided to make his grand entrance into our classroom.  Rebecca began to scream and point, thoroughly speechless and unable to utter a word.  I began to scream and wiggle too, although I wasn't quite sure what was going on.  It all happened so fast.  He scurried across the room as we jumped and squealed.  We scampered onto the top of the chairs, too mortified to move.  The kids stood speechless...wondering why their teachers had suddenly gone crazy.  Shaking and too afraid to come down, we sat in silence.  We sat.  We sat.  We sat. 

We decided that for the sake of our hearts and of course, for the children (cough cough), we should move preschool class outdoors.  We alerted Lao, our faithful handyman, of the recent mouse invasion.  The staff was quick to move to action as the news of our friend's arrival quickly spread throughout the first floor.      When we returned to the classroom after outdoor class we found Lao sitting in a preschool-sized plastic chair with the door closed...holding a fly swatter. 

Oh Jerry, you caused us quite the panic.  Although we like to think of ourselves as quite hospitable, you are not welcome to come to preschool class anymore.  For the childrens' sake :)

Amazing Grace

How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.  I once was lost, but now I'm found. Was blind, but now I see. 

I can't tell you how many times I've sung those words during my lifetime.  They seem to fall off my tongue with no effort at all, they seem to be etched into the very core of my being.  I've known them since I was a little girl barely able to understand the meaning of such a phrase. Here I am a young adult, but I still feel like a little girl when I ponder these magnificent words.  Amazing Grace. 

During the past month and a half, those words have taken on a fresh meaning for those of us living in the big blue house.   On August 5th, a little boy entered our home, our arms, and our hearts.  He came to us because he would be going to his Heavenly home very soon.  The days until he met his Daddy were clearly numbered.  His caretakers had been praying for a place where he could die in peace--warm, pain-free, and loved.  The situation with Aaron, our amazing grace baby, was unique--just like every child that enters our care is unique.  Because of the nature of the situation, the doctor and nurses felt it was best that Aaron continue to be visited and held by some of the foreign staff members (normally the children in our critical care unit are off-limits for those of us who are not medical staff).  We have had the privilege of walking closely with this precious baby boy through his last weeks on earth.  Amazing Grace.

When Aaron arrived, his caretakers provided us with some photos of him along with a list of some of his favorite toys, activities and songs.  His favorite song?  Amazing Grace.  We have each spent hours cuddling this little one, singing this song of Truth over him and to him.  And while we have been holding him, God has ministered to us.  Amazing Grace.

Through this little boy, I have learned that God alone is in charge of life and death.  Each one of our days are numbered before one of them comes to be.  The end of our days will not come one moment too late...or too soon.  I have felt the urgency of time, realizing that time is fleeting whether we realize it or not.  I have been reminded that God is good.  Even when I do not understand His ways.  I am awestruck to see first hand how every life is a vessel for His glory.  Amazing Grace.

Amazing Grace Baby, you are forever etched into our hearts. We miss you on earth and are not ashamed of the tears that flow in your absence. But we take delight in looking forward to the day when ten thousand years will be a single moment in His presence.

When we've been there then thousand years

Bright shining as the Sun

We've no less days to sing God's praise

Than when we first begun.

Speechless

The Heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork;

Day to day pours out speech, and night to night reveals knowledge.

There is no speech, nor are there words,

whose voice is not heard.

Their voice goes out thorugh all the earth, and their words to the end of the world.

In them, he has set a tent for the sun, 

which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber, 

and, like a strong man, runs its course with joy.

Psalm 19: 1-5

A perfect evening, indeed.  So thankful for a gracious Father, sweet friends, and a breathtaking view of His majesty.

A Chinese Wedding

Last weekend, we had the sweet opportunity to attend our Chinese Teacher's wedding.  Over the last year, Bei Bei has been much more than a teacher to us.  She has become a dear friend and family member.  We definitely feel like our "China family" would not be complete without her!  We were honored when she asked us not only to attend her wedding as her "family" but also to have roles the ceremony itself.  The kiddos were the "flower children", Mikey and Mariah sang a song, Lily and Jona were bridesmaids, and Becca and I stood on stage awkwardly and smiled.  Bei Bei looked gorgeous and we are so happy for her as she begins her new life with her husband, Wan Bing!

Full Circle

His grace is abundant and astounding and never ceases to leave me speechless.  Last year, my heart was knitted together with a sweet little boy.  When I met this sweet little boy, he was 5 months old.  He weighed no more than 7 pounds.  The tiniest thing you ever did see.  He loved to suck two fingers on his fight hand.  I was captivated. 

Almost every day over the next two and a half months, I would go into his nursery around nap time.  I would peek in the window to make sure his crib was empty.  Then, I'd sneak over and find him lying on the play mats or in one of this nanny's arms.  I would scoop him up and begin singing. We'd rock and sway and sing and pray.   

There is a Name I love to hear, I love to sing His praise.  It sounds like music in my ear, the sweetest Name on earth.  Oh how I love Jesus.  Oh how I love Jesus.  Oh how I love Jesus.  Because He first loved me.

And as we rocked, I would cry out to my King, begging him to provide a family for this little one.  I prayed that He was molding this little baby into a mighty man of God.  I prayed that his heart would be guarded from evil.  I talked to him.  I told him how much he was loved. I told him how much his Heavenly "Ba Ba" cared for him.  And I prayed that one day, he would know the Person about which we were singing. And every day, my heart became just a little more wrapped up in this treasure. By the time I left last summer, this tiny, malnourished baby was a plump butterball of smiles. Absolutely breathtaking in every way.

This past week, His grace overflowed in my life in a truly life-changing way.  I saw the story of redemption play out before my very eyes as my specific prayers were answered one by one.  And He allowed me to witness it all.  They pulled up to the big house and I could hardly breathe.  I saw them step out of the van--a Daddy, a Mommy, a big Sister, and a big Brother--and there among them, my precious one.  Tears of thankfulness and joy spilled onto my cheeks as I met them in the driveway.  I was almost too overwhelmed to speak.  There he was, the baby that I had cried for and prayed for...and he was no longer an orphan. 

We had a delightful visit together.  I couldn't be happier for sweet baby boy.  His family is precious and they were handpicked just for him.  But the tick of the clock got louder and louder as the time approached when we would have to say good-bye...forever.  I hugged him with all the strength in my body and I whispered a prayer of thankfulness as I let him go.

I choked back the sobs as I watched them drive away.  I felt a now-familiar pain pounding in my heart.  Its the realization that the baby I loved is not mine.  The baby I loved belongs to another mommy.  I knew he would never be "mine" and oh, how fervently I prayed that God would give him an earthly mama.  This family is the answer to my prayers.  But it hurts to see him go.  And I know this is not the last time I will feel this hurt.

In Christ, we have the capacity to love and to love hard--without guardedness and without reservation.  And we can trust Him to heal our hearts each time another one is taken away.  Whether that means taken to a Heavenly home, an earthly home, or anywhere else.  I am so thankful this story has a happy ending.  To God alone be the Glory.

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.  God sets the solitary in a home; He leads out the prisoners to prosperity, but the rebellious dwell in a parched land.

Psalm 68:5-6 

In Recent Days

Dear Ones,

Please forgive me for my lack of communication over the past few weeks.  I came "home" from Hong Kong with a heavy heart to say the least.  Leaving my sweet little buddy in the hospital was excruciating.  I left him in very good hands, though.  A precious girl who lives at his foster home (and happens to be his preschool teacher) came to take my place.  He loves Chelsea and was delighted for her to come stay with him.  But tears were streaming down both of our faces when the time came to say goodbye.  I think I've felt a sliver of what a mom would feel, leaving her baby in an unknown and painful situation.  I could barely breathe as I walked away hearing his cries echo down the hallway.  Mom, I haven't given you enough credit.  Thank you for letting me follow HIM to an unknown and sometimes painful place.  I never realized how much it must make your heart ache.

During my time in HK, I got word that my precious grandmother, Mimi, had gone to be with Jesus.  She was so ready to see Him and had been talking about it for weeks.  She was 97 years old and had lived a full life, but the reality of death is shocking no matter how prepared we think we are.  Perhaps thats because we were not created for death.  "He has put eternity into man's heart" Ecclesiastes 3:11.  We were created with a longing for "always" in our hearts because we were created for eternity. Endings hurt.  They are a shocking reminder of our frailty, our existence marred by sin.  But, we cling to the hope we have in Jesus.  That one days, there will be no more endings.  No more painful goodbyes.  No more separation.  No more tears.  And until then, I take great delight in knowing that my Mimi is fuller than she's ever been.  She is dancing with her King.  And in that reality, there is no room for tears.  But here...there is plenty room.  And I've cried my fair share in the past few weeks.  I made the gut-wrenching decision not to go home for Mimi's funeral.  Everything in my heart was screaming to "GO!"...I wrestled with the Lord and sought much advice, but at the end of the day, I didn't feel a peace about going.  So I stayed and experienced another "first"...being away from home during the death and funeral of a loved one.  It hurt.  But He is my unchanging Rock.  Mimi's life is worth celebrating.  She was a precious, precious woman who impacted numerous lives.  Now, her life has been celebrated on two continents!

I was relieved to finally be "home" after two weeks of crazy.  My heart was weary and it was a great comfort to be greeted at the airport by 5 Martin kiddos, Steve, and Becca.  I've missed this place :) We've had a pretty normal week and I'm thankful for the seemingly mundane pace of life.  He is abundant peace and exceeding joy.