Only Him

My first few days in China have been beautiful.  There, of course, have been ups and downs but that is fully expected during any huge transition such as this.  I do feel like I just got spit out of a whirlwind.  Things are beginning to settle down now and I guess reality is setting in.  It's a good reality, but those of you who know me know that change is really hard for me.  I remind myself that having a ache in my heart for the people that I left behind in America is a good thing.  It means that God has been so good to me... I have so many people in so many places that I love dearly.  It's a good thing to miss my home...it means I have a home.  It's a good thing to be pushed and challenged and left to rely only on Him.  That's what I long for anyway, to rely fully on Him.  How I fall short every single day.  

I have also been reminded that even living in a place where serving Jesus is my priority, it is so easy to neglect Him.  I see Him in every smile, I hear Him in every laugh, I see His masterpiece on display in every sleeping face.  But I still forget that these treasures are not my goal.  I am here only because He has brought me here (by His grace).  I am able to serve only because He enables me to serve (by His grace).  My heart breaks for the orphan only because He has given me a glimpse of His burden for them (by His grace).  Apart from Him, I am nothing but a sinful, selfish, pride-filled 21 year old girl lost in a big, big world.  That is why knowing Him, not just serving Him, has to be my first goal.  It has to infiltrate every single thing I do.  To know Jesus and love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength has to be my priority.  Because if not, I am left to serve Him in my own effort...and that will never work (trust me, I've tried).  So that means spending time in prayer, meditating, and studying His word has to come before holding babies and singing lullabies.  Seeking Him first thing every morning has to come before making phone calls home or setting up skype dates.  He is my source of life and in order to be effective in this place, I have to stay connected to the Vine and there find my joy, strength, and rest. 

It's amazing how fast my human heart will convince me that anything other than Jesus will satisfy.  I think if I could just call home, or if I could just take a nap, or if I could just play with a baby then I'd be better...but the truth is, nothing but Jesus can heal a sin-sick heart.  Nothing but Jesus can satisfy a longing soul.  Nothing but Jesus can heal homesickness at its root.  None but Jesus can lift all my burdens and comfort my tender heart.  That's it.  May my wayward heart learn to be obedient to His gentle pursuit.  

All my springs are in You.

Psalm 87:7