When I started this blog one of my main goals was to keep it as honest and raw as possible. What's the point of writing if I sugar coat my life, my feelings, or even my relationship with my King? I want to be vulnerable...in hopes that in my weakness, you will be able to see Jesus. So that's the goal, and I must stick to it. But just a forewarning, this is my heart--raw.
I've been feeling pretty homesick today. Its not that I'm not loving my time here, because I am. But I suppose reality is beginning to set in. I don't want to go home, but I'm just missing home (there is a difference). And to be honest, I'm missing comfortable. As I said in my last post, my days here have been very emotionally draining to say the least. And there has been a lot of down time (which is typical of life here in the Big House), so I've had a lot of time to think. This can be a good or a bad thing, depending on if I let my flesh or His spirit do the thinking. At home, I often stay so busy that I don't take time to be still. I don't take time to process the hard stuff about life. I'm sure this is true about a lot of our lives. We just keep moving from one thing to the next sort of like the energizer bunny. Because frankly, sometimes thinking hurts. Witnessing injustice is painful. Processing and trying to make sense of it is even more painful. When my flesh does the thinking, I become very overwhelmed, sad, upset, homesick, angry, lonely, fearful etc. And you know what? Satan loves every minute of it. But when I allow His Spirit to do the thinking, I find myself looking at the world through the eyes of Jesus Christ and I feel peaceful, strong, joyful, alive, happy, excited, full, etc. But my life the past few days has been filled both with flesh-thinking AND Spirit-thinking, so I feel like I'm on a crazy, twisted roller coaster ride.
I've also been struggling with a lot of fear. Yep, I said it. F-E-A-R. The one thing that my Jesus has told me over and over and over and over not to do. But it creeps in nonetheless. (Especially when I'm doing that flesh-thinking stuff..). I'm fearful because one week from today, I'm packing up again and heading to meet the other students who are also studying abroad. I don't know a soul. All the unknown is staring me in the face and causing me to shy away in fear. I'm afraid of the huge change. I'm afraid of the loneliness. I'm afraid of the big university. I'm afraid to leave the sweet, Jesus-filled atmosphere here at Maria's. And lets be honest, Berry College is not the typical college scene...so I'm afraid of entering that too. This is way way way out of my comfort zone. I don't want to go. I want to stay here surrounded by these precious treasures. I want to be covered in snot, slobber, and coughs. I want to sing "Happy and you know it" 20x an hour and love every second of it. I want to wake up to the sound of pitter-pattering feet. I don't want to go. But for some reason unknown to me, Jesus has asked me to go. He has asked me to go to a university with 50000+ people and to study hard. He has asked me to build relationships with people who I might never meet otherwise. He has asked me to take one more step outside of my bubble of comfort--one more step toward knowing Jesus more. And He has a job for me there. The same Jesus who is with me in this big house is the same Jesus who goes with me to that big school. My prayer is for a willing heart. I don't Twant Jesus to have to drag me kicking and screaming. I want to be willingly obedient. I want to follow Jesus wherever He takes. But I'm really scared.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:10
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
Psalm 27:1
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?
Psalm 56:3-4
So there you have it. I'm not sure if anyone is still reading after I rambled so. But if you are, take a look at these precious faces. They are enough to light up ANY gloomy day! It snowed at the Big House all day yesterday. Much squealing and joy ensued! :)
