The End of Myself

Another week has gone by and its time for a new blog post.  I feel like so much happens in one week, so my greatest challenge is choosing what to share with you, my precious friends and warriors.  I could spend all my time writing about what is physically happening in my life, ins and outs of my life in China.  Or I could spend all my time sharing the insides of my heart.  Both are good, and both are full. So I'll try my best to balance the two. And just a warning....this is an extremely long post :)

Last week was by far the hardest week I've had in China.  I decided I must have had the "I've-been-in-China-for-seven-weeks-blues".  Haha.  I felt pounded all week.  Thing after thing kept happening to remind me of how far away I actually am (from my earthly home).  Room selection and registration at Berry started this week, so last week was filled with preparations for that.  Its quite a challenge trying to figure out my schedule and rooming situation (for my SENIOR year...yikes) from the other side of the world.  Emails are not ideal for those type of details.  Not to mention the 12 hour time difference.  I'm awake when my world at home is asleep.  I also had two dear friends who were going through very very very tough situations last week.  Situations in which, if I had been at home, I would have been at their house sitting on their bed crying and eating peanut m&ms with them.  So, being this far away made me feel utterly helpless.  It broke my heart to know that my friends were in such pain, yet I couldn't even offer a hug.

There wasn't one single thing that made last week hard, but it was just a culmination of lots of emotions and inward struggles.  And the week of bitterly cold, rainy days didn't help.  I found myself feeling very homesick and sad.  Sometimes I just long for the smells of home.  Yummy candles, supper cooking in the evenings, coffee in the morning, fresh laundry...you know, just home-smells.  I know it sounds silly, but I'm being honest about my homesickness issue.  I really feel like its a thorn in my side sometimes.  It keeps me humble and reminds me of HIS strength.

I cried a lot this week.  I also spent a lot of time feeling really guilty for being homesick.  The first few weeks, I felt pretty justified being homesick.  But, I'm in week 8 now. I should be getting adjusted.  It should be getting easier.  I should be getting hang of this, right?  I keep asking myself, "Why don't I let Him be enough?  Why am I not allowing Him to comfort me?  Why do I keep failing?  Why can't I pull it together?"  I spent a lot of time in glorious prayer.  ...a little rabbit trail really quick.  I just want to say that the Psalmist knew what he was talking about when he said, "For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere." I have seen this to be true more than ever lately.  Nothing can compare to spending time in the presence of the Almighty, weeping at His feet, crying out for strength, reading His love letter to us.  It is truly truly truly where contentment and peace is found.

I mentioned last week that I'm reading a book called Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray.  Well, my sweet Prince ordained this week's reading to be freshly anointed for my soul (imagine that).  I can't summarize the whole book (but I highly recommend you find yourself a copy and indulge in the glorious truths found there!).  But I do want to share some excerpts that have ministered to my weary soul this week.  They all find their root in Matthew 19:26, "But J looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with G, all things are possible." Did you catch that?  All things.  All things.  All things. Even absolute surrender.  Even victory over homesickness.  Even victory over fear.  Even freedom from worry.  Even release from bondage.  Even the most impossible thing you can imagine.  All things are possible.  But in order for this to happen, we must be brought to the end of ourselves.  We must be completely and utterly empty and helpless.  To the point where we realize that we absolutely cannot accomplish anything that He asks of us without His supernatural power invading every crook and crevice of our lives.

"Your religious life is every day to be proof that G works impossibilities; your religious life is to be a series of impossibilities made possible and actual by G's almighty power.  That is what we need.  We have an almighty G that we worship, and we must learn to understand that we do not need a little of G's power, but we need the whole of G's omnipotence to keep us right."

"The cause of the weakness of your Chr*stian life is that you want to work it out partly, and to let G help you.  And that cannot be.  You must come to be utterly helpless, to let G work, and G will work gloriously.  It is this that we need if we are indeed to be workers of G."

He cannot use me fully while I still think Abby has some power.  If I am still believing that I have the capability to please Him in my own strength, then I am really of no use to Him.  Because without His supernatural strength and grace...I am capable of nothing except sin.  But my, or should I say, our downfall is that most of us don't fully realize this.  We don't allow him to have complete control because we don't realize our utter helplessness.  Somehow, we think that if we try hard enough, that if feel close enough to Him, that if we have our quiet time every day--that we'll be strong enough to accomplish all He asks of us.  Not True.  This is why Philippians 2:17 says, "For it is HIM who works in you, both to will and to work His good pleasure."  Its all Him. Our best efforts still aren't enough.  It has to be supernatural.  Its called surrender.

Paul said, "I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling...and my preaching was demonstration of the Spirit and of Power." (1 Cor 2:3)  "From the human side there was feebleness, from the divine side there was divine omnipotence.  And that is true of every godly life; and if we would only learn that lesson better, and give a wholehearted undivided surrender to it, we should learn what blessedness there is in dwelling every hour and every moment with an almighty G."

Even Paul felt weak, feeble, and helpless.  Even Paul felt like he couldn't go on.  But it was in those moments of his utter weakness and helpless when the power and majesty of the Almighty was displayed.  What a relief! What a burden lifted from my shoulders! I can stop trying to be strong. Because I'll never be strong enough.  I'll never be able to love people well enough.  I will never be able to be completely selfless.  I will never be able to be bold enough.  And even if I feel closer to my Prince than I've ever felt in my life, I still won't be able to accomplish all these things.  You know why?  Because its all Him. Only when I am brought to the end of myself and I finally realize my helplessness, can HIS POWER invade my life and empower me to tackle these supernatural feats with VICTORY! Hallelujah, there is victory!!!

I don't know if any of this makes much sense.  Trust me, Andrew Murray does a much better job of explaining these truths than I do.  But, I have found much comfort and relief in the realization that my helplessness is actually a stepping stone to victory.  Being brought to the end of myself is actually a blessing.  I still have a lot to learn (and I mean a whole lot).  And I am still wrestling through a lot of these truths.  But I desperately want to learn this lesson.  I want to be invaded by the holy spirit in a way I never knew was possible.  I want to live an impossible life of triumph and victory.  Learn with me, friends?

May we relish in His sweetness today.  May we be ever ravished by the Almighty One. May we take delight in our weaknesses, for it is when we come to the end of ourselves, realizing our utter helplessness, can His power truly be manifested.

"Let us receive this as the first great lesson in the spiritual life: It is impossible for me; let there be an end of the flesh and all its powers, an end of self, and lot it be my glory to be helpless."

"Be not afraid that He will command from you what He will not bestow"

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:30

P.S- if anyone is actually still reading this, PROPS to you! I am humbled that you stuck with my rambling for this long :) The next post will be lighter, I promise!  Love from the far side!