All Nations, All Children, All People

I'm leaving China in 26 days.  I can't even wrap my mind around the reality that my time here (for this season at least) has almost come to and end.  He has sustained me.  He has been faithful.  He is everything He says He is. Really.  And the same One who brought me to this place will also go with me back to Georgia.  In fact, He will go before me, behind me, and with me.  And He will remain the same as I enter back into stateside life and as I begin my last year of college in August. My heart quivers at the thought of leaving this country that has stolen my heart and these children who have become imprinted on my very soul.  But, He will remain the same.  No matter where I go.  No matter what the future holds.  My source of stability. My source of comfort.  Only Him.

I've had numerous people ask me if I'll be returning to China in the future.  Honestly, that is a question I've asked myself almost every day since I arrived in February.  On good days I'd think to myself, "Of course I'll be back! Where else would I rather be?"  On not so good days I'd think, "No way! 180 days and I'm outta here!" So, as typical of my life, the question of returning sends me on an emotional roller coaster ride.  The short answer:  Returning to China (long term) is my greatest hope....and my biggest fear.  And at this point, I have no idea what the future holds.  My only prayer is that I'll be obedient to the tender voice of my Prince.  He knows my heart.  He may ask me to do things or go places that I feel completely incapable of doing or going.  But as He has proven again and again...He can be trusted.  China has a very very special place in my heart.  I love this country.  I love these people.  I love these babies.  And I would love it if my Prince were to bring me back someday.  But I have to hold China with on open hand.  This place is not my goal.  He is my goal.

With that being said, I want to send you here.  This is the blog for the [SOUP], Sponsorship of Orphans in Uganda Project (The Soup Website can be found here).  This organization was founded two years ago by one of my best friends, Brin Enterkin.  Brin spent summer 2009 living in a small village in Uganda.  Her heart was gripped by the vast need for health care, basic necessities (food, clothing, etc) and education for a group of precious children in the village.  She came home and could not stand to be silent. As a sophomore in college Brin decided to begin this organization.  Since then, we've built a team of about ten students at Berry who meet weekly to pray and figure out the best ways to care for these kiddos. You can get more details about the [SOUP] on the website...but I want you to take a look at the latest blog entries.  Brin and our other [SOUP] staffer, Sarah, were both in Uganda last week (Sarah is spending all summer there).  Scroll down and take a look at some of the pictures.  Study the faces.


This is why China can't be my goal.  If I limit myself to one region of the world, I am cutting myself off from experiencing the entirety of God's heart.  You see, His heart beats for all people. So this includes China, Africa, Peru, Canada, England, Russia, the United States...you get the picture.  Now, of course, He gave me a tender spot for China.  He opened doors for me to come here.  And the more time I spend here, learning the culture and loving the people, naturally, I grow more comfortable and at-home.  But I think the temptation many people face is that of becoming obsessed with one particular region.  I've seen so many people go on short term trips and then come home absolutely enamored and obsessed with that place (and I'm saying this only because I've done it...).  It's almost like we block ourselves off from other places or people just because we had a great experience in a certain place.  I do believe that He calls us to particular places at particular times and I know He lays certain people groups on our hearts...but my heart does not belong to a country.  My heart belongs to the One who formed it.  And He alone gets to decide my path.  So, yes, I've spent the last six months of my life in China. And I have loved every second of it (well...mostly) BUT, He may never bring me back to China.  And I have to be okay with that.

I pray daily for His heart

I pray daily that mine will break when His does

I pray daily that I will be obedient

So who knows whether that will mean China, Africa, Belgium, Cambodia, Belize, Argentina, France, Russia, or USA?  Not me.  I want my heart to skip a beat when I see the face of any orphaned child...not just Asian ones.  I want to be enthralled with people of every nation, every tribe, and every tongue.  And I pray that my wayward heart will be obedient to His calling to follow my King to the far side of whatever sea He chooses.  Even if that sea is just the Okefenokee Swamp, Hah!

Princess

Dear Princess,

I hold you in my arms today

savoring every single second

Because I know that your time on earth is short.

Your little heart can't handle much more.

Your breaths are already shallow and strained.

There are so many questions I can't answer for you, Princess.

I don't know why your mommy and daddy couldn't care for you.

I don't know why you were born with a sick heart.

I don't know why you have to go to bed alone

night after night after night.

But one thing I do know, Princess

You are not a mistake, Beloved Child.

You were knit together inside your mama's belly

And every part of your body is perfectly formed.

He did not turn his face a way when you were created.

He was right there,

forming every last ligament and fingernail

You are a masterpiece.

You are a vessel of His glory, Princess.

When you smile, His joy spills out

When you giggle, His light bounces around the room

And when your little eyes well up with tears of loneliness

the heavens also weep.

He loves you so much

I'm a little envious, Princess

Because you're going to meet Him so soon.

It will happen so quickly

Before you know it, you will be transformed

Suddenly there will be no more tears

No more shallow breaths

No more sick hearts

No more loneliness.

You will be in His everlasting arms, sweet girl.

I know He is anxious to hold you

I'm so thankful that He has given me one more day with you, Princess

I want answers to all the questions

I want to know why

My heart is screaming,

"IT'S NOT FAIR!"

But I look into your sweet face

And I am reminded that He is good

Even when I don't understand.

I'll see you again soon, Princess

And all our questions will be answered

 

Super Size Me- China Edition

 So, what do two girls do when they find themselves with ten cheeseburgers, ten boxes of chicken nuggets and twenty orders of french fries all. to. themselves?  Good question.  I'm glad you asked.

This morning we said good-bye to our second student team.  This was a precious group of young women who I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know over the past week.  They have brought so much joy to my heart! I continue to me amazed at how our sweet Daddy hand-picks each member of these teams for our good and His glory.  I love hearing their stories and seeing their passion for the least.  I feel like I'm getting a front row seat to a story much bigger than myself.  What a privilege.

Okay, so back to the story. 

The team left around 9 am this morning.  The teary good-byes were over and Caitlin and I were about to snuggle down with some popcorn and a good movie when Boss Mikey calls (around 12:30pm) to tell us that their flight had been delayed (they were supposed to take off at 10:45).  The flight wasn't expected to leave for another two hours so he was asking if Caitlin and I would kindly consider making a trip to good ole' Mickey D's and pick up some lunch for our dear, famished team mates.  Being the awesome interns that we are, we were more than willing :)  We loaded up and headed to McDonalds where we ordered 10 cheeseburgers, 10 orders of chicken nuggets and 20 orders of french fries.  You should have seen the wide eyed stares we received from the Mcdonald's workers...priceless.

We ordered and paid and were watching the workers fill the huge cardboard box with our lunch goodies when the cell phone rang.  Its Mikey.. the conversation goes like this...

"Uh, hey...where are you?"

  "At Mcdonalds! We're almost finished getting the food and we're headed your way." 

"Uh....we're actually boarding the plane now.....so I guess you have a lot of burgers on your hands!"

So, back to the question:  What do two girls do when they find themselves with ten cheeseburgers, ten boxes of chicken nuggets and twenty orders of french fries all. to. themselves?

They laugh a lot

And eat wayyyyy too much.

(And of course they share with whoever happens to walk by.  And offer french fries to any kiddos that can  chew.  And beg people to please eat one more fry!)

Rest for my soul

Last week I made a trip to Nanjing to visit some precious friends from Berry.  They are in China for six weeks for a cultural exchange with the people and country who I hold so dear to my heart.  I can't even begin to express what a blessing it was to be with familiar faces!  I haven't seen these friends in six months, and I'd forgotten how wonderful it feels to simply be around people who know me.  While here, they are each spending a lot of time at the local college university campuses to build relationships with students.  It was so neat to spend a day in their lives and meet all their Chinese friends.  The campus in Nanjing is very similar to mine in Chengdu.  My most favorite part of the week, though, was basking in His presence with my brothers and sisters.  To be able to share freely and receive encouragement and prayer from people who walked through life with me up until my departure for China.  What a blessing.  It truly was rest for my weary soul.  When I first began planning to come to China, I had no idea He was also preparing to send a group of my friends at the same time.  Could He be any sweeter?  Now we not only have the shared experience of China...but we also have a tender spot in our hearts for these people.  We are united on this common ground.  He attends to details, my friends.  Every single one.  Sadly, I didn't take many pictures myself...but here's a little glimpse.  I am one blessed child of one Great Father!

Tough Stuff

Thank you to all the warriors out there who are constantly lifting me up.  I can feel your prayers...seriously, thank you.  I'm settled into my new home at the Big House.  I am so happy to be back with the little ones who have stolen my heart forever.  Life has been c-r-a-z-y.  My mom was here for 10 days and then our first student team came in  a few days later.  It has been such a joy to have the student team here.  This team was truly anointed by the Almighty himself, and I felt privileged to walk with them through their journey here.  It was so neat for me to watch them process everything they witnessed...to see the tears fall from their faces and hear their desperate cries to our Father on behalf of these precious ones.  I felt like I was experiencing it all for the first time again.  I've said it a million times...but its one thing to talk about the orphans in the world, but to hold them in your arms is a whole different story.  Now that we have seen, we are responsible.  Now that we have held them, our arms will forever ache.  I am so thankful to be here this summer and to watch from afar as He mobilizes His body to care for His children.  That's what I have to keep reminding myself...they are His and all my efforts to help them have to start with Him and end with Him.  He is the goal. 

Since I've only been here three weeks, I'm still processing a lot.   And I mean a lot.  I have more questions than ever before in my life.  I just don't understand so much of what I'm seeing.  I don't understand injustice.  Everyday, I'm falling more and more in love with children whose future is so uncertain.  Every moment spent with them is pure bliss, but each happy moment is clouded with the reality of the situation.  It's just stinkin' hard.  And I'm not really sure how to react.  Some days I am so overcome with emotion and despair that all I want to do is sit with them and weep (literally).  But some days I don't feel that stabbing pain--and that scares me because my biggest fear is becoming calloused and hardhearted.  I realize that being a weepy mess all the time hinders me from being a productive human being, but I don't know how else to funnel my emotions. And then when I'm not a weepy mess I feel like I'm not loving well enough.  Does this make sense?  So anyways, I would greatly appreciate your prayers as my Prince and I sift through this craziness called my emotions. Its tough stuff to wrestle through.  But I am so thankful to wrestle and I pray that we, as the body of Christ, will not back down from wrestling through this tough stuff.  Because this is the heart of our King.  If we aren't willing to wrestle with tough stuff...then really, what are we doing?

 Today I'll leave you with a question.  Are you willing to wrestle?  Are you willing to think about things that may make you weep?  Are you willing to ask yourself questions that do not have easy answers? Are you willing to put yourself in the shoes of someone who is the victim of injustice?  Are you willing to become emotionally invested in something that might rip your heart into pieces?  All passions arise from brokenness.  May we be broken for the things that break His heart..and may we be mobilized to action.  These little ones are worth it.  He is worth it.

Come Quickly

hot tears

heart pounding

stomach churning

lip quivering

quiet

this.is.not.okay.

I'm at a loss for words.

I'm angry.

I'm furious.

I'm helpless.

I'm mad.

Its not fair

Its not normal

this.is.not.okay

orphans were not in the plan

sickness was not in the plan

pain was not in the plan

dying children were not in the plan

loneliness was not in the plan

suffering was not in the plan

but,

heartache is the norm on this sin-struck earth.

And as long as we continue on this pilgrimage through life,

there will be suffering.

I hate it. 

I hate every part of it.

I hate staring into their tiny faces and being helpless to offer comfort.

I hate saying, "I have to go now" when they're clinging to my neck.

I hate seeing the tears welling up

I hate gazing into a room lined wall to wall with cribs

this.is.not.okay.

And all I can say is

Come quickly.

Life on earth just plain stinks sometimes.

My biggest fear is of gaining a hard heart towards things like this.  As a defense mechanism.

God Forbid.

this.is.not.okay.

and I never ever ever ever ever want to act like it is

even when allowing myself to feel the pain hurts way worse than pretending like its not happening.

May suffering and injustice cause me to hate sin.

and I mean

hate sin.

hate it so much that I flee from it with everything in me.

 

May suffering and injustice cause me to long even more for eternity

And for the day when

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, not pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

 Revelation 21:4

Today my heart is broken

Today I feel like I can't move because of the pain

Today tears are falling

and I won't be ashamed.

this.is.not.okay.

And I won't pretend like it is.  

A Little Reminder

Last week, my Mom and I visited the Great Wall.  Its the only sight-seeing we did while she was here.  We took the ski lift up and after walking around for only about thirty minutes, we were honestly thinking about heading back down already.  Best Friend had different plans.  We decided to walk up onto one of the towers to get some pictures with the wall behind us.  A group of Korean college-age-looking people followed us up.  We asked one of them to kindly take our picture.  Then the group headed over to a corner and one of the guys pulled out a guitar.  And there they began to sing.  They sang songs to Him.  They sang familiar songs of praise.  They sang at the top of their lungs with arms held high and faces tilted upward.  My mom and I sang the familiar tunes in English as they sang in Korean.  These were complete strangers, yet we were united by our common bond in Him.  In a place where this type of activity is sort of unheard of.  Yet we sang loud.  How beautiful is that?

That morning, my mom and I were chatting with Him before our day began.  And we asked that our lives would radiate the loveliness of His presence...and that people would notice.  After an hour of singing on the great wall, one of the brothers came up to us and asked if we were like-minded.  We answered yes, and he looked to my mom and said, "Yes, you are glowing."

This whole experience was a sweet reminder that said: "I am present in the country.  I am present in these people.  I am present in these children. I am worthy to be praised."  May He receive what He deserves from our lives!